Monday, October 29, 2007

Bringing Life (and just one of its aspects) Into Perspective

Back when I first started blogging, I had MANY friends who were regular bloggers. Blogging was the fad of the time and many were dedicated to the challenge that the up-keep of a blog presented. Over the past year or so, many of those with whom's blogs I followed originally have deserting their blogs, or discontinued them all together. Still, some have continued, as well as some new bloggers have come along. For me, I have gone through spells. I still find myself often in thought during the day and thinking what a great blog entry I could make out of the thoughts in my head, but nowadays, more often then not, those thoughts never reach the keyboard. I've had times when I've thought about giving my blog up. I've had times when I've gone through posting droughts, but to this day I have continued to keep my blog going, even when I feel it is nothing like what I originally started it out being and some of the blogs I felt so happy with from "back in the day."

But something that keeps my blog going today is the connection I feel through it. It's funny because there really isn't any of my closest friends that read this blog, but what I do know is that there ARE people that read it. And honestly, if it weren't for my sitemeter that keeps track of how many people visit my blog, many of my readers I would probably never know about because most of my readers do not leave comments.

Now, while comments are great and all, I too know about the process of being a regular reader of a blog site, but never leaving comments. Sometimes we choose to not leave comments because we don't want others to know we are reading their blog and other times we are simply not inclined to leave any thoughts on the topic at hand; whatever the case, both are legitimate reasons in my opinion. But, on the author's end of things, I can say there's something special about just knowing people regularly stop into your blog. Now whether they actually read it or not, who knows....HA! But knowing that they make the effort to check for updates, gives a blog life. Not only that, but there's nothing quite like the feeling of seeing someone link your blog up to their own--that in itself is like getting the A+ grade hung up on the refridgerator! Not to mention when some of the people linking your blog on theirs are people you don't even know personally! HA! What a good feeling!

So why do I bring this all up today? Am I soliciting for comments? No. Am I soliciting for readers to make their selves known? No. Am I wanting my blog to be linked to more people's blogs? No.

I bring this up today, because of a connection I believe my blog has brought to me. It is a connection that has impacted my life for some time, but more heavily over the past week, and especially the past three days.

One of my readers happens to be someone that I went to undergraduate school with. This young lady (who actually is older than me, but we are both still young ladies) was a couple years ahead of me in school, but we got to know one another through our social club. I think it's fair to say that we never really got very close while in school together, even through our many social club activities together, and even though she was the mentoring officer over my pledge class the year I joined. After she graduated (and then I eventually did a couple years later), we really didn't see one another or keep in contact as time moved on.

Then sometime back (and honestly, I'm not sure when it was), I came to find out she had come across my blogsite from someone elses--or something like that, as we all know how we stumble across acquaintances websites accidently--and she had begun following my blog. At somepoint she ended up leaving a comment, which led me to knowing she was a reader, and I was able to get to her blogsite from there and since that time I think we've both been rather regular readers of one another's sites.

Now what always seems to amaze me about blogs is how though someone might not know someone personally (or even if you have met that author before, but maybe never really had been very close to the individual), you can seem to find a closeness to someone through his/her writings. There is a bond that can form when someone writes personal accounts or shares his/her thought processes with another via a written prose. It really does just make me smile thinking about it! It amuses me too because more often than not, I find myself thinking to myself, "why didn't I enrich my life with this individual before now?!" People are just so amazing and worth investing our time with!

So there I was, forming what seemed to be a new bond with this social club sister of mine. Via her blogsite, I seemed to follow her job processes; she talked about her dog; I learned about her recent marriage and her joy with her husband. It was as if I knew more about her now, without having even seen her or heard her voice, than I did those many months we had spent in the same rooms together in college.

So when her mother fell ill about a month ago and she began sharing with her blog readers about this stage of her life, I continued to read...

As the blog posts kept coming, her mother's status got more and more unpredictable. It started as she was going into the hospital on Oct. 15th with what was believed to be a complicated case of pneumonia (as she had been struggling with it for several weeks at that point). Rather quickly, in efforts to find out the placement of the fluid in her lungs in order to drain them, the doctors discovered she did not have fluid in the lungs after all (1). So then the docs decided it must have been that she had been exposed to some toxins for some period of time, so they needed to do a biopsy of a piece of the lung to try to figure out the toxicology status (2). Then a matter of a week later her mother gets diagnosed with "free air" in her abdomen, which resulted in having to have a portion of her colon removed (3), still no diagnosis for the lung situation at this time...

The morning of Saturday, Oct. 27th, a matter of 12 days after being admitted to the hospital with what was believed to be pneumonia, my friend's mother was given a diagnosis of pulmonary fibrosis and told she wouldn't have much longer to live. As the hours began to pass, her mother continued to go downhill, and by the evening hours of that same day the family was told she was not expected to make it through the night. Later that night she passed away (4).

Despite the length of this blog, I am ultimately speechless concerning this situation. I'm dumbfounded to think what it must be like to be in my friend's situation. There hasn't been a day pass since I got news of her situation Saturday morning that I haven't had the thought of my friend and the situation cross my mind several times throughout the day. It all just seems too unbelievable to me....

How does one go into the hospital with what is believed to be pneumonia and then pass away less than two weeks later from something else?! Sure, pneumonia can be deadly, but that's typically in elderly individuals who are not getting medical treatment for it [or maybe this is just my ignorant understandings of pneumonia]. So with this thought processing of mine, it just seems to "routine" in a way to think of someone going into the hospital with a pneumonia diagnosis. In no way would I have expected such a turn of events.

It's just so hard to think of what it must be like to be the family in a situation like this. My heart just aches for my friend and her husband, her brother, and her father. Of course, I can't imagine what all they are going through and dealing with based on this situation--as none of us can.

I guess this has really put this whole life thing into perspective. It truly is a state of being that can be taken from any of us in the most unexpectant of ways at anytime.

With a lack of words for what to say next, or even how to try to begin to bring comfort, I want to simply leave you with my friend's blogsite, and ask that you keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Thursday's Thought Trigger-er

When considering this link I couldn't help but wonder if people at the World Series game last night were having highly educational conversations throughout the game.

Then when I took an even closer glance at what that link had to offer, I began to think that maybe baseball is just a highly intelligent sport, because unless you happen to live in Cleveland, you aren't alloted a professional baseball team in your whole STATE unless you are in the top 33 states based on an educational standpoint! HA!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

When We Are Grieving

I got this off a friend's facebook note...

HOW YOU CAN HELP ME - author unknown

Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out.

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me.

I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our children and grandchildren grow, the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable.

When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.

Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes after will always be someone different.

I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.

I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:
(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.
(b) Send me a card on special holidays, his birthday, and the anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.
(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may so no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up then I really will be alone.
(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life. What I need now is time to grieve.

Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for praying for me.

And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be with you.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Attraction to People

Sometimes I wonder what attracts me to people. And while the possiblities seem so numerous, so are the differences in attraction.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007


Here is what I've decided today. You know how they say the peak sexual years for women is in her later 20s. Well I think that's what they say, and we're are going to go with that based on it supporting my theory right now. Anyways, I think because of that, women's hormone levels are higher then. That would make sense, right? Right. So because of this, I think PMS is worse for women around those years. That makes sense, right? Right. Glad you're seeing you don't have much say in the matter on this one! ;) Not only that, but I bet you can already tell where this post is steaming from...

Anyways, since I'm really not one to shy away from talking about much anything (you should catch a "balcony talk" with me sometime if you're interested in all SORTS of fun talks), I want to talk about PMS for a minute. Women, you know what I'm talking about. Men, you know too from living through it, just not necessarily with it.

I swear I never used to experience PMS. You'd never be able to tell when I was about to start, nor could I for that matter, but I swear, over the past year or so, something has kicked in and it seems like I turn into this emotional person right before the time. This is not typical me. And I KNOW it's strange because out of NO WHERE I'll find myself thinking, "man, I just feel like crying" yet at the same time, I'm not sure why...HA! Now, I'm fully aware that is also a symptom of depression, but I've learned the difference in myself from when I'm depressed and when I'm PMSing...HA! With one of them you get a sudden sign telling you which category you fall into....HA!

Come on, ladies. You know you know what I'm talking about. I've had this same discussion with another of my girl-friends recently and she knew EXACTLY what I was talking about. You know, like you realize you're acting like a bitch, and getting pissed off over the stupidest things, or you're crying at things that normally wouldn't bother you, or of all things you're crying for absolutely no reason. And then that day comes when it hits you, "OH, right, right." It's good to know you really AREN'T just turning into a bitch...HA HA HA!

I just want to end with this. Let me give you two examples of emotional PMSing. Both examples can be learned from watching one video.

1.) When I watched this, I found myself getting all emotional thinking about it and thinking how sweet it was that she would get this worked up over two young girls being upset. I mean to go to this extent on a nationally broadcast show truly shows one's caring state of being.

2.) She must be highly emotional to get to that point on a nationally broadcast show.

Watch This Video Clip


Now that you saw that I was referring to in the lessons because you've seen the clip you'll see that in lesson...

1.) I was OBVIOUSLY PMSing because if I wasn't I would have probably watched that clip and thought, my gosh, get control of yourself Ellen. I'm sure something can be worked out with the puppy rescue folks. Let's not go into, as your biggest competitor Oprah would say, "the snot-cry" on national television!

2.) Scratch PMSing for's probably menopause.

P.S....I'm not proofreading this post because honestly, I don't care....HA!

Saturday, October 13, 2007

As Nike Would Say...

Just Do It!

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Thursday's Thought Trigger-er

I was thinking that I would see how dedicated I can be to keeping a blog series going...

This series, which I'm entitling "Thursday's Thought Trigger-er" (and I'm pretty sure "trigger-er" is NOT a word...HA!), will consist of me posting a link to something I found to be interesting. It might be an article to read or a video to watch or even a picture to look at. Whatever the case, I posted the item because when I saw it it triggered some thoughts within me and I thought it might be something interesting for you to checkout too and see if it brings out thoughts in you as well. Feel free to share your thoughts on the subject if you'd like, but this series will not be fueled by the number of comments the posts gather.

Anyways, I came up with the idea for this series based on an email I received today. The email included the following link, which when I went to it and read the bit, I couldn't help but give this one some thought...

The Thought Trigger-er