Sunday, December 30, 2007
If there’s one thing I’m learning more and more about myself nowadays it’s that I care a lot more about what people think of me than I like to admit (or than I give off the impression of being). I want people to like me, and I dwell on how I can better any relationship that I become aware of that include someone having an “issue” with me, or that they “don’t like me” or that I “bother them.” I’ve been known on several occasions to confront people that I know have these sorts of concerns about me. I don’t confront in a rude or “well take this then!” sort of manner, but rather a confrontation in that I know (or have heard) that I bother you and I want to do whatever I can to work on this issue because I don’t want you to not like me if there’s anything I can do about it. Sure, most the times the person is apparently pretty content on not having any sort of a friendship/relationship with me, so they make no effort to discuss with me the topic of concern, but I try nonetheless.
The above is just an example of something I can dwell on. When I find out about someone that I care about (even if it’s just in the manner of caring for them as an acquaintance) having “issues” with me, that’s something I will never forget unless I’m able to get it resolved. Unfortunately, I’ll always have that concern of theirs tagged to them whenever I think about them and it’s not in a mean sense, but in a sense of my genuinely wishing I could do something to “fix it” (assuming that’s even possible). What’s even worse is when it’s a person that I greatly admire/respect and I wish with all my power that I could “fix” their views/thoughts of me.
Okay, honestly, I have no idea how and why I just started going off on all that. That sounds like something that needs to be discussed out with a counselor of some sort…HA! Oh well, it’s me and I don’t mind sharing it, so I’m not going to delete it. Maybe it will either help people to understand me better or to possible be able to relate or maybe even better understand their self. It has been something I’ve recently been learning more and more about myself, but it’s not really what’s been on my mind most lately.
My most recent self-discoveries have been rather discouraging to admit to myself and so I’ve been dealing a lot with trying to rebut them or come up with a better understanding (AKA something I’d rather hear about myself).
I’ve never been a consistent date-er, but as with most every other part of my life, when I do date, I’m quick to think everything through and try to make the best understanding of it all. Is this bad? Probably, but it’s me and why would my dating life be any different? So, as with any area of my life, I’ve taken an interest in trying to understand why I feel and act the way I do in different dating relationships. There’s actually a technical psychological study for this, but its way to late for me to get technical (or to even act like I remember what it’s called), so I’ll leave that out. Anyways, I try to understand why is it that I’m nervous around this guy, or not nervous around this other guy. Why is it that I feel comfortable telling this guy flat out that I’m not a drinker and I like to wear a ball cap when I’m just being lazy, but this other guy I worry about what he’s going to think? Why is it that when this guy does this particular thing it really bothers me, when it’s what most girls would love in a dating situation? [Then I compare. Yes, I know, God-forbid I compare one dating experience with another one, but let’s face it, it’s “human.”] Why is it that with this guy and that guy I find myself feeling bothered in the same way, even though they are similar in ways, but yet not really?
It’s that last one that has really hit home. In a way it shouted the classic “breaking-up phrase” of “it’s not you, it’s me.” For heaven’s sake, how could I admit that it’s my fault I feel this way? I mean, I didn’t feel this way until he came into the picture! Isn’t it his fault?!
Well, I believed that in the early rounds, but it’s becoming old now and it’s hard to continue blaming others when I’m always ending up as the common denominator…
As someone that’s not a “consistent date-er” I’ve learned to thrive and appreciate what comes with the single-life. I’ve learned to love the benefits of independence and freedom. I’ve become quick to choose things that please me in life and to not feel compromised by what others might want to do. If I want to do nothing because that’s how I’m feeling, then I choose to do nothing and I feel no guilt in doing it. It’s selfish in many ways, yet harmless in being single. I’ve learned to live my life in what feels as a balance for me between social interactions and self-time. Sure, my social time is probably higher than some people’s, but it’s what the balance is for me. Yet, even with a high level of socializing desired, I still rely on some self-time. Whether that’s to be lazy or to try to think everything out that’s going on in my life and during my social times, then so be it—whatever the case, its needed time for myself.
So one thing I’m noticing about myself when dating is I find myself struggling with rebalancing. A new person has come into the picture and I have to get the balance correct or it bothers me. I have a HUGE pet-peeve for “girls that ditch their friendships for boys” so I refuse to do that, so between fitting another person into the puzzle and keeping conscious of my friendships, I can often find myself struggling in the beginning to reestablish a satisfying balance. Sure, I realize if it’s going to work I will have to find a new balance (because obviously with a new character in the game the numbers will be different), but I have a hard time accepting less of one thing I enjoy and have been happy with and am familiar with, in order to include something that is unfamiliar. I’ve got to learn to cut the pie differently because while I still have the same size of a pie, I’ve got more areas I need to share it between.
Now if this rebalancing was all I had to deal with, I think I could have adjusted to this and worked through it without much fretting; however, I’m learning much more about myself…
I think it comes down to a combination of 1.) my love for freedom and doing what I want to do and 2.) my interest in caring about what people think of me. Sure, I want to talk to people when I feel like talking to them, or I want to hangout whenever I want to hangout, and if I don’t want to hangout or talk to someone, I don’t want them to be offended by it either, because many times it is NOT something personal concerning that individual; it’s probably more of my interest in self-time or that I am trying to balance time with other people as well.
This is a BIG issue for me. As someone that’s been content and accustom to a single life, it’s easy for me to feel smothered by someone new coming into my life and having interest in trying to get a major portion of my time. Sure, it can be selfish in some ways, but it’s also considerate in other ways, as I want to do my best to balance all my friendships that mean so much to me. Sure, I might really enjoy the time I spend with someone new that has come into my life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy my time with my other friends, especially my best friends any less. I’m still going to greatly look forward to time with these friends, and if I want to spend time with these friends (without feeling the pressure to invite along the new person, or to have to worry about feeling guilty for not inviting them), that’s what I want to do.
I guess the toughest thing to swallow with all these recent self-revelations is that it seems to say rather loudly that without being willing/able to sacrifice some of my freedom and selfish ways, I will never be able to dedicate myself to a relationship to the level of marriage. I’m informed enough to know that marriages only work with a willingness to compromise and work together. One can be no more selfish than another in order for it to workout.
Man, it can be so hard sometimes…
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Anyways, this one was totally unique...I really enjoyed it. It had some fun and thought-provoking questions. It was kinda one of those "list" surveys where you have to list so many things under each "question." Well I've been really intrigued by the first question on it and as I enjoyed completing that one on the survey, as well as reading how my friends answered it, I wanted to put it out here for y'all. The best thing is it's kinda secret in a way...you'll understand in a minute.
So the "question" says...
TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now:
It was fun because you could pick ANY 10 people you know and think of things maybe that you wish you could say to them, or things that you've always WANTED to say to them (but haven't), or something maybe you HAVE said to them, but you want to reiterate it. And what's neat is really it's just you that has to know who you're saying it too, but it's cool to get it out (so-to-say). Sure, if you're real specific in what you say to the person then people might know exactly who you're "talking" to, but either way, it's fun.
Feel free to dig deep and share with your ten people what you would say if you could say anything to any ten people right now. Mine are posted in my comment section.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Now, I'm fully aware that this makes NO sense to any of you, BUT I might explain the reasoning behind why I was needing to know what the most commonly thought of seasonings were, but right now I can't. What I do need now is some more of your help...
Envision yourself going crazy! What do you look like? Or if it's not you, imagine you're looking at someone else and they've gone crazy.
IMPORTANT: "crazy" can be any interpretation of the word. Someone can be severely mentally ill and they are often thought of as "crazy". Or an individual's children might drive him/her "crazy." We might be highly stressed out and busy and we feel we're going "crazy."
Taking ALL/ANY of these situations into consideration, what would that "crazy" person look like? Let's say you had to partray yourself as "crazy"--how would you "dress-up?"
(1) put on a straight jacket
(2) have your hair all messed up and be pulling out your hair
(3) have multiple alcohol bottles within arms reach
[Be creative people...I know you are!]
Sunday, November 18, 2007
If I asked you to name the first seasoning that comes to your mind, what would it be? You know, like a seasoning you'd cook with.
I basically just need to know what the two most popular seasonings are...HA!
Odd? Yes, I know. HA!
Friday, November 16, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
SIUE Students Accused of Battery with Freshly Baked Cookies
It makes me want to use it as a "Say No to Drugs" campaign...
...Look kids, if you do drugs you'll do crazy things like violence against people by burning them with cookies!
[I'm waiting for someone to PLEASE tell me there is SOMETHING I'm missing in this story--that I'm misinterpreting it. I honestly read it and reread it to make sure I was understanding it correctly]
Monday, November 05, 2007
I did this because when I first saw a picture of this individual in a magazine the other day, I immediately had to take a second look because I thought it was one celebrity, but then when I noticed that the page that the picture was on was advertising television shows, I immediately thought, "He's a movie star, not sitcom star," so at second glance I realized it was NOT Matt Damon.
[Glad to know others think he--or at least the bottom half of his head--resembles Matt Damon]
Yes, I agree that he [Jesse Plemons from the NBC show Friday Night Lights] does not have the BEAUTIFUL eyes that Damon has, and the more pale skin-tone that accompanies the bright red hair are fairly off from Damon as well, but it's that smile/teeth/jawline that made me see Damon! See for yourself...
Or how about these ones...
Seriously...look at their facelines below the eyes and down...
Now, since I'm talking about celebrity look alikes, I have to mention two other sets of people that have at least one of the pair that is frequenting the media lately and everytime I see them flash onto the screen, or plastered on a magazine page, I can't help but think how much they look like someone else.
First, there is this one, but unless you're into professional football you might not know these individuals, but I can't help but think how much alike they look everytime I see them on the sidelines:For those who do not know these men, the gentleman in the blue is Tony Dungy, who is the head coach of the Indianapolis Colts, and the gentleman in the red is Herman Edwards, who is the head coach for the Kansas City Chiefs. Rumor has it that they are actually really good friends (but I think that's just a rumor because they have got to be twins!) ;)
Sunday, November 04, 2007
That's hard to swallow.
While I still feel like I have someone I could go to and tell them anything, I don't feel that sense of convenience with that person. The feeling of you can always get a hold of that person whenever you might need them and that you don't feel like a burden by calling them. Instead you worry about inconveniencing the person. Sure if you can happen upon a time when the person initiates communication with you, you feel secure in opening up and talking with that person, but otherwise, you get bogged down in the thought of not wanting to bother the person.
It's almost like a sense of loneliness without the absence of people.
It kinda makes one want to start a diary...
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
But something that keeps my blog going today is the connection I feel through it. It's funny because there really isn't any of my closest friends that read this blog, but what I do know is that there ARE people that read it. And honestly, if it weren't for my sitemeter that keeps track of how many people visit my blog, many of my readers I would probably never know about because most of my readers do not leave comments.
Now, while comments are great and all, I too know about the process of being a regular reader of a blog site, but never leaving comments. Sometimes we choose to not leave comments because we don't want others to know we are reading their blog and other times we are simply not inclined to leave any thoughts on the topic at hand; whatever the case, both are legitimate reasons in my opinion. But, on the author's end of things, I can say there's something special about just knowing people regularly stop into your blog. Now whether they actually read it or not, who knows....HA! But knowing that they make the effort to check for updates, gives a blog life. Not only that, but there's nothing quite like the feeling of seeing someone link your blog up to their own--that in itself is like getting the A+ grade hung up on the refridgerator! Not to mention when some of the people linking your blog on theirs are people you don't even know personally! HA! What a good feeling!
So why do I bring this all up today? Am I soliciting for comments? No. Am I soliciting for readers to make their selves known? No. Am I wanting my blog to be linked to more people's blogs? No.
I bring this up today, because of a connection I believe my blog has brought to me. It is a connection that has impacted my life for some time, but more heavily over the past week, and especially the past three days.
One of my readers happens to be someone that I went to undergraduate school with. This young lady (who actually is older than me, but we are both still young ladies) was a couple years ahead of me in school, but we got to know one another through our social club. I think it's fair to say that we never really got very close while in school together, even through our many social club activities together, and even though she was the mentoring officer over my pledge class the year I joined. After she graduated (and then I eventually did a couple years later), we really didn't see one another or keep in contact as time moved on.
Then sometime back (and honestly, I'm not sure when it was), I came to find out she had come across my blogsite from someone elses--or something like that, as we all know how we stumble across acquaintances websites accidently--and she had begun following my blog. At somepoint she ended up leaving a comment, which led me to knowing she was a reader, and I was able to get to her blogsite from there and since that time I think we've both been rather regular readers of one another's sites.
Now what always seems to amaze me about blogs is how though someone might not know someone personally (or even if you have met that author before, but maybe never really had been very close to the individual), you can seem to find a closeness to someone through his/her writings. There is a bond that can form when someone writes personal accounts or shares his/her thought processes with another via a written prose. It really does just make me smile thinking about it! It amuses me too because more often than not, I find myself thinking to myself, "why didn't I enrich my life with this individual before now?!" People are just so amazing and worth investing our time with!
So there I was, forming what seemed to be a new bond with this social club sister of mine. Via her blogsite, I seemed to follow her job processes; she talked about her dog; I learned about her recent marriage and her joy with her husband. It was as if I knew more about her now, without having even seen her or heard her voice, than I did those many months we had spent in the same rooms together in college.
So when her mother fell ill about a month ago and she began sharing with her blog readers about this stage of her life, I continued to read...
As the blog posts kept coming, her mother's status got more and more unpredictable. It started as she was going into the hospital on Oct. 15th with what was believed to be a complicated case of pneumonia (as she had been struggling with it for several weeks at that point). Rather quickly, in efforts to find out the placement of the fluid in her lungs in order to drain them, the doctors discovered she did not have fluid in the lungs after all (1). So then the docs decided it must have been that she had been exposed to some toxins for some period of time, so they needed to do a biopsy of a piece of the lung to try to figure out the toxicology status (2). Then a matter of a week later her mother gets diagnosed with "free air" in her abdomen, which resulted in having to have a portion of her colon removed (3), still no diagnosis for the lung situation at this time...
The morning of Saturday, Oct. 27th, a matter of 12 days after being admitted to the hospital with what was believed to be pneumonia, my friend's mother was given a diagnosis of pulmonary fibrosis and told she wouldn't have much longer to live. As the hours began to pass, her mother continued to go downhill, and by the evening hours of that same day the family was told she was not expected to make it through the night. Later that night she passed away (4).
Despite the length of this blog, I am ultimately speechless concerning this situation. I'm dumbfounded to think what it must be like to be in my friend's situation. There hasn't been a day pass since I got news of her situation Saturday morning that I haven't had the thought of my friend and the situation cross my mind several times throughout the day. It all just seems too unbelievable to me....
How does one go into the hospital with what is believed to be pneumonia and then pass away less than two weeks later from something else?! Sure, pneumonia can be deadly, but that's typically in elderly individuals who are not getting medical treatment for it [or maybe this is just my ignorant understandings of pneumonia]. So with this thought processing of mine, it just seems to "routine" in a way to think of someone going into the hospital with a pneumonia diagnosis. In no way would I have expected such a turn of events.
It's just so hard to think of what it must be like to be the family in a situation like this. My heart just aches for my friend and her husband, her brother, and her father. Of course, I can't imagine what all they are going through and dealing with based on this situation--as none of us can.
I guess this has really put this whole life thing into perspective. It truly is a state of being that can be taken from any of us in the most unexpectant of ways at anytime.
With a lack of words for what to say next, or even how to try to begin to bring comfort, I want to simply leave you with my friend's blogsite, and ask that you keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Then when I took an even closer glance at what that link had to offer, I began to think that maybe baseball is just a highly intelligent sport, because unless you happen to live in Cleveland, you aren't alloted a professional baseball team in your whole STATE unless you are in the top 33 states based on an educational standpoint! HA!
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
HOW YOU CAN HELP ME - author unknown
Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him, and I need to do it over and over.
Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.
Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."
Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out.
I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me.
I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our children and grandchildren grow, the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.
I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.
I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable.
When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.
Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes after will always be someone different.
I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.
I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time.
Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:
(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.
(b) Send me a card on special holidays, his birthday, and the anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.
(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may so no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up then I really will be alone.
(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.
Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.
Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life. What I need now is time to grieve.
Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for praying for me.
And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be with you.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Anyways, since I'm really not one to shy away from talking about much anything (you should catch a "balcony talk" with me sometime if you're interested in all SORTS of fun talks), I want to talk about PMS for a minute. Women, you know what I'm talking about. Men, you know too from living through it, just not necessarily with it.
I swear I never used to experience PMS. You'd never be able to tell when I was about to start, nor could I for that matter, but I swear, over the past year or so, something has kicked in and it seems like I turn into this emotional person right before the time. This is not typical me. And I KNOW it's strange because out of NO WHERE I'll find myself thinking, "man, I just feel like crying" yet at the same time, I'm not sure why...HA! Now, I'm fully aware that is also a symptom of depression, but I've learned the difference in myself from when I'm depressed and when I'm PMSing...HA! With one of them you get a sudden sign telling you which category you fall into....HA!
Come on, ladies. You know you know what I'm talking about. I've had this same discussion with another of my girl-friends recently and she knew EXACTLY what I was talking about. You know, like you realize you're acting like a bitch, and getting pissed off over the stupidest things, or you're crying at things that normally wouldn't bother you, or of all things you're crying for absolutely no reason. And then that day comes when it hits you, "OH, right, right." It's good to know you really AREN'T just turning into a bitch...HA HA HA!
I just want to end with this. Let me give you two examples of emotional PMSing. Both examples can be learned from watching one video.
1.) When I watched this, I found myself getting all emotional thinking about it and thinking how sweet it was that she would get this worked up over two young girls being upset. I mean to go to this extent on a nationally broadcast show truly shows one's caring state of being.
2.) She must be highly emotional to get to that point on a nationally broadcast show.
Watch This Video Clip
****IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED THE CLIP DO NOT READ ON:
Now that you saw that I was referring to in the lessons because you've seen the clip you'll see that in lesson...
1.) I was OBVIOUSLY PMSing because if I wasn't I would have probably watched that clip and thought, my gosh, get control of yourself Ellen. I'm sure something can be worked out with the puppy rescue folks. Let's not go into, as your biggest competitor Oprah would say, "the snot-cry" on national television!
2.) Scratch PMSing for her...it's probably menopause.
P.S....I'm not proofreading this post because honestly, I don't care....HA!
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
This series, which I'm entitling "Thursday's Thought Trigger-er" (and I'm pretty sure "trigger-er" is NOT a word...HA!), will consist of me posting a link to something I found to be interesting. It might be an article to read or a video to watch or even a picture to look at. Whatever the case, I posted the item because when I saw it it triggered some thoughts within me and I thought it might be something interesting for you to checkout too and see if it brings out thoughts in you as well. Feel free to share your thoughts on the subject if you'd like, but this series will not be fueled by the number of comments the posts gather.
Anyways, I came up with the idea for this series based on an email I received today. The email included the following link, which when I went to it and read the bit, I couldn't help but give this one some thought...
The Thought Trigger-er
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Today at work I took some time to make a call to a friend of my coworker who passed away nearly three months ago. This friend of her's had unfortunately just found out about her passing this week because he had limited contact with my coworker. Anyways, after I had broke the news to him and several of her other friends in Houston who hadn't heard the news, this friend in particular asked for me to call him, so I did today.
As I talked to him he shared with me about how my friend/coworker had always told him how much she greatly LOVED her job with us. She would tell him how she just LOVED the people she worked with and how she was so happy working with us. [Note: Apparently she had told this to more than just him, as another of her friends from Houston had told me the same thing...how she spoke so highly of our place of employment and our staff].
So as we were talking, I discovered that it had been him who was one of the many calls I have taken over the past few months of people calling our office and asking to speak with our now gone friend/coworker. Typically when I receive these calls I say, "_______ is no longer with us." It is typically taken as "she no longer works here," which is true, but it also has a stronger meaning. Anyways...
This friend of her's that I was on the phone with mentioned how he had called once trying to reach her and I had told him that and he of course said, "Oh okay." and hung up. Well today on the phone he was telling me how that day when he hung-up he immediately knew something wasn't right about that. He explained it as, he just KNEW that couldn't be everything because she loved her job so dearly that she would never leave and had she had been fired, he just knew she would have contacted him and told him. He continually expressed to me how it was just so weird for him, as he just KNEW something wasn't right when he got that response as he called our office that day.
I don't know. I just thought that was really interesting. I really don't have a witty way to conclude this post (as I originally thought I would have when I decided to write it...HA), but I can say I wonder how many of our friends would know the things we love so dearly and we would know that something just wasn't quite right if we heard our friend was no longer a part of something he/she loved.
I can tell you this, there's really not much of a salary price you can place on a work environment that you get to share with people you love to be around and people you find yourself looking forward to seeing each day. Loving the people you work with is what makes a job GREAT. Apparently my dear coworker let others know how much she loved the workplace she was a part of and the people she got to labor alongside.
Monday, September 24, 2007
...it hurts when all you want to do is talk to the person, but you know they don't want to hear from you right now...
Sunday, September 23, 2007
That point alone gives me a lot to think about at times. It's interesting. What makes it even more interesting is when I think about the regular reading audience I DO know I have--those that I am aware of as regulars. When I think about that group it always makes me smile and makes me think thoughts like, "people are very interesting. I can really appreciate how internally we may have greater levels of appreciation and respect for people than we sometimes outwardly show."
Just some thoughts.
Friday, September 21, 2007
- I have NEVER jumped so quickly online to hit iTunes and download a song as I did following this song for the first time. I'm not sure what it was besides my thinking it was just such a BEAUTIFUL sounding song! "The Only Promise That Remains" by Reba McEntire and Justin Timberlake. It was on the Oprah episode from Wed. that I just finished watching. What can I say? Oprah can truly sell authors' books and Oprah can really sell artists' songs! HA!
- When I was a little girl I used to think Reba McEntire was the prettiest of all ladies. HA! Which is funny looking back on it now because of that hair...HA! No really though, she just has AMAZING eyes! It was always her eyes that I thought were beautiful (well, and probably that fun southern sounding accent...maybe that's why I'm in the south now! HA!). But nowadays, my opinion of her goes beyond her looks and well, uh, I had heard she isn't easy to get along with...she's one of those big-headed big-shots, if you know what I mean. And well, when I watched her being interviewed on Oprah...I kinda got that feel to her (but she still has pretty eyes!) ;)
- What the crap happened to the St. Louis Cardinals these past few weeks!?! Dangit boys!
- I love chatting fantasy football with all the boys at work! HA!
- I want to see the new movie that's coming out at the beginning of October which is directed by Sean Penn. It's based on a true story. It's called "Into the Wild." It's apparently based on the book with the same title. It looks really good. I saw previews of it featured on Thursday's Oprah episode! HA! Sean Penn is cool. He is Oprah's favorite actor (well, possibly tied with Sir Anthony Hopkins). She showed clips of her favorite parts of some of Penn's films and it made me remember how much I love "I Am Sam." What a great movie!
- I have a new "daily-record" show. Oprah's not alone anymore. My VCR (yes, I still use one of those) is now set to record from 3 PM till 5 PM. I just has to switch from NBC to ABC as the 4 o'clock hour. That's because it now records the Ellen show! After I had MULTIPLE people...that are NOT friends with one another (so they were not conspiring on this)...tell me that Ellen and I are a lot alike, I decided I had to check her out (well, not in that way! HA!). So after deciding to tune-in to her season opener this season, I've been hooked! This woman has a GREAT sense of humor and is so optimistic! I once came up with my own description of what TRUE humor is and it centered around humor that is not made at anyone else's expense. Ellen is GOOD at "true humor" in my opinion. She isn't about cutting others down to be funny. Now, I openly admit that I do not literally "laugh out loud" at TOO many people's humor....just typically at my own jokes...HA!...but Ellen literally has me smiling the whole show through and laughing on many occasions! She's good folks!
Friday, September 14, 2007
I was an Animated Leader. You can read more about my results here. You can also go take the test for yourself here. Enjoy!
Monday, September 10, 2007
- I think bluetooths are corny. And I do not like how people walk around talking on them and you can't see the ear-piece and you're first reaction is that they are talking to you. Or like you see someone approaching and they are just rambling along and you're thinking, "Hmm...there's no one around for them to be talking too. Who the heck are they talking too..." THEN you get a glance of the annoying blue blinking light. Yes, the one you see on people that leave them attached to their ears in settings such as church or wedding venues. YES, I sure did see a lady wearing her's through a wedding ceremony this past weekend. Come on now folks!
- If there should come a worthwhile use for bluetooths it should be the idea I came up with today. People with auditory hallucinations who choose to respond back to the voices verbally (i.e. that's basically my nice way of saying most severely schizophrenic individuals) should wear them when they are out in public. This would at least give them what appears to be a legitimate reason to be talking-out-loud when there is no one else around them. ;)
On a deeper and more serious note...
- When was it that watching someone shoot and kill someone became entertainment? Seriously? I was thinking about this today. Think of how just about all "R"-rated movies nowadays involves some sort of violence, many times being someone getting killed. Why do we find it entertaining to watch people shooting people? Sure, maybe guns are a hobby for some--such as hunting, but I don't know many that take up the hobby of shooting mankind? Yes, I'm just as guilty as most to watch a violent movie, but at the same time, I can't help but think right now, "why is it that in today's society violent movies do so well in the entertainment business, when you would have NEVER seen a 'shoot'em up and kill'em' type movie in the theatres 50 years ago." Hmmm...
Sunday, September 02, 2007
You are driving along on a wild stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or woman) you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.
So, imagine you're at the job interview and posed with this question. Record your response in the comment section. Be sure to arrive at your response BEFORE going to the comment section and reading what others have posted.
I will come back later and post the response given my the individual who got the job position over the other 200 applicants.
Monday, August 27, 2007
It's 10 minutes till 11 PM right now on a Monday. I didn't get back to my house till after 9 PM tonight and I'm just in a GREAT mood!
I just got done chatting with two of my best friends online and I was just in such good spirits during our talks, I KNOW they could both tell...HA! It's one of those feelings that overcomes you in so many ways that people can't help but notice your demeanor, even if they are only engaging with you via online chat...HA!
It's funny because recently I've found myself noting someone's away messages talking about how they are just so in love with their life situation right now and how life couldn't be any better, and every time I would read these messages I would think to myself, "I used to be like that...some 3 years ago." But tonight, I'm in that state of being! And I love it!
I hope it can last through the night...
...assuming I'm ever able to fall asleep! It's not easy when you're on a high...HA! ;)
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
So last week I requested the autopsy results on my friend and her husband who killed her and then killed himself. I anxiously rummaged through the mail as soon as it arrived today HOPING to find my reports. BINGO! They had come in!
My first interest was to immediately flip to the last page of her husbands to where I was told the results of the toxicology report were. And the verdict:
Clean. The man was completely free of alcohol and drugs when he killed his wife!
Now, as a man with a history of social usage of cocaine, 99.9% of the people that knew my friend and knew her husband and his "social ways" were SURE he had to have been "coked up" at the time of the killings, but we now have the report proving our assumptions wrong.
So this led to our new theory...
We think he accidently killed her. We even have considered that thought that he didn't even mean to pull the trigger...
As we have recalled some of the witness testimony, we have been able to put together a possible story suggesting that the murder was a complete accident and when he later learned of the results of his actions (or mistake, whatever it ended up being), he couldn't live with the thought of what he'd done and that's when he chose to take his own life.
We do know that he lived for several hours after her passing. And we know he got word of his wife's passing and that that was when he said, "without my wife I don't want to live." So, with that chain of events, I am led to believe that HAD he had this whole day planned...had he planned on killing his wife and then taking his own life, he wouldn't have waited around to hear his wife's status before taking his own life. I have reason to believe that he would have taken his life in a rather short period of time after shooting her. Not to mention, if he had planned on shooting her to kill, I believe he would have shot her in a different place on her body (as he shot her in the lower back area just above the waist) and that he would have shot more than once.
My friend's reported "Manner of Death: homicide." The report states that the bullet entered the right side of her lower back and perforated fifth lumbar vertebra, the right common iliac vain, the right common iliac artery, the mesentery of the small intestine and then exited out the left side of abdoninal wall.
Due to the bullet hitting the iliac artery and vein, there was no hope for my friend. After speaking with a medical professional I was told that it wouldn't take but a matter of minutes for an individual to die after damaging the iliac artery OR the iliac vein. Seeings how she had both "hit" there was no way she could have been helped, even had medical attention been provided almost immediately.
It's crazy to hear these stories about people being shot 8 or 9 times, or being stabbed repeatedly and living through the experience. But then to think of someone being hit once with a bullet in the lower back of ALL places and it killing them almost immediately, with minimal blood exiting the external wounds. It's bizarre, but at the same time, it is a reminder of how fragile we all can be.
One lesson learned...
Don't jack around the guns, they truly can be deadly, whether meant to be or not. Accidents CAN happen and the guilt left from them can be just as deadly.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Yesterday, I heard the news of one of my GATA sister's losing her husband of two years as yet another casualty in Iraq...
Friday, Lt. John Edds was killed in Iraq. Here and here are two stories reporting the situation.
Many thoughts and prayers are going out for those loved ones he left behind, especially his wife, Laura [Russell] Edds, and his parents and two brothers.
Though I haven't kept good communication with Laura since our college days, I still felt a sickening hurt, as well as a yearning to comfort feeling as soon as I got the news.
What a sad situation...
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Monday, August 13, 2007
Feeling alone can take place when one feels there is no one to talk to; it can come when one feels there is no one to hold them; it can also come when one has multiple people around them to interact with. It is a feeling, not a physical state of existence. Simply having people around does not always cease the feeling.
There's not much worse than feeling you're alone and you don't know what to do, or who is there for you. Stressful times can leave us feeling alone and like no one else would understand even if we felt there WAS someone to talk too.
I very recently found myself feeling depressed. I think I was still dealing with the lose of my friend and I remember at some of the low points I felt so alone and as if I had lost all my friends. Not physically, to death or anything, but as if I had lost touch with the majority of my friends...
I've always been one of those people that smiles in the thought of keeping in touch with many friends. I GREATLY appreciate quality friendships, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I enjoy having a good quantity of friendships as well. I've always been that type of person. Someone that loves being friends with everyone and makes an effort in keeping multiple friendships.
...so when I was feeling down I found myself thinking how I was losing all my friendships. I felt I had lost contact with everyone but my couple closest friendships I have here in town. I felt like I was in a state of my friendships revolved around my two best friends here and not that I don't greatly appreciate and love them dearly, but I always try to keep myself grounded in the fact that I can't allow my social contact and support to come solely from one or two individuals. Even before my friend's recent passing, I've had this belief, because I know good in well that relying so heavily on one person to get my needs met (social needs in this case) is not healthy. [Note: this is VERY important to remember in a marriage, this is why it is healthy to be sure you keep close friendships outside a marriage as well].
So in a depressive state the feeling of loneliness was sinking in. I mean I was obviously missing my passed friend, and it was leading to other thoughts. Depressive thoughts can be distorted and that they were. I had begun to feel as if I had no other friends but my two close ones. I remember thinking to myself, who else is left, even in the Metroplex? I was able to think of one or two people and I remember thinking, I haven't talked to them in what seems like forever. How strange would that be to try to call and rekindle our friendship now?
But luckily these thoughts passed and I was able to schedule a get together with none other but one of those friends I had thought about. I actually had that get together this evening and had a BLAST getting to catch-up!
It was on my way to this get together that I heard a song in the radio while listening to Delilah (yes, I proudly admit I LOVE the Delilah radio show and I have listened to it since I was a youngster growing up, as my best friend and I in high school would listen to it together over the phone and just talk about the stories and songs together). The song I heard this evening I had never heard before, but it was a dedication made by a mother for her daugther. Her daughter was about to start her FIRST full-time job as a teacher. It would be her first year teaching. The daughter was real close to her mother, but they were in separate towns and the daughter was nervous to start her career, so the mom dedicated this song to her. The song was called "Never Alone" by Jim Brickman / Lady Antebellum. I am not family with Brickman or Lady Antebellum, and for all I know they are popular...HA! But I remember really enjoying the song as I drove and I just thought it would make such a wonderful song to listen to in times of feeling lonely.
As I listened to the song I began to think of how relevant it was to my recent feeling of feeling alone, but even more than that, I began thinking of people I would dedicate the song too...
I thought of a friend of mine who will leave this week for her first year of college. She's very nervous as she's moving away from home for the first time and to a school she's never been too with no one she knows going to attend there.
I thought of a friend of mine who was remembering the death of her father on the anniversary today.
I thought of a friend of mine who was losing an unborn child today.
I thought of others...
There's nothing easy about feeling alone, but there's nothing quite like the moment of realizing we are "never alone."
Whether that "moment" comes for you by means of getting out of a state of depression, or by catching up with an old friend, or by getting a hug from a family member, or by feeling the presence of your God; whatever brings the feeling of not being alone for you, that is what is important. Remember you are NOT alone and that there are others out there. Others willing to listen, to share, to simply BE THERE.
I end with the video of the song that I dedicate to anyone who is or has gone through feeling alone...
Never Alone - Music Video
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Sunday, August 12, 2007
You can check out the new PostSecret mini-movie here (or on the PostSecret site). What a well crafted piece of work!
Watch the movie and then join the millions of other weekly PostSecret website checkers.
Are you a PostSecret checker?
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Still, not much into movies, I do have a goal I'm working on to see all the films that have won the prized "Best Picture" Oscar award. I've currently seen 38 out of the 79 "Best Picture" films, but that goal is basically due to my interest in having the knowledge tagged to having seen all the "Best Picture" films. You KNOW it would help me through a round of Trival Pursuit! ;)
I think there's two good reasons to why I'm not much of a movie type person. 1.) I typically don't have the attention span to sit throw an entire movie if it doesn't really grasp my interest. And 2.) I just don't find too many movies that "really grasp my interest." In other words, I have real picky movie taste.
For one thing, most "comedy" films just aren't funny to me. I find most of the modern day comedies as corny humor, or vulger humor, or just plain stupid humor and I just don't find it funny most the time. I guess this would make me picky in the department of humor too, huh? HA!
As for action films, eh, I just don't get all excited about hunt-him-down-and-kill-him films. Some aren't bad, but most just kinda bore me, even though they are meant to keep-you-on-the-edge-of-your-seat.
Most the movies I like leave me feeling inspired. They get me thinking about life as I'm following along with the characters. They get me thinking about my life, or my friend's lifes, or someone else's life that I can relate too. They leave me feeling like I want to do something, or change something, or they just leave me thinking about them in general.
Many times the movies I really like are dramas. And as most dramas tend to go, someone typically dies and the death plays a major part in the film. I like those for some reason. The ones where the death isn't one of MANY (like in the action films) and it leaves the audience to think about it's reference to life in reality. Mortality and how it affects people in real life.
Strangely, two of my ALL time favorite films are two that are classified as fairly depressing films...HA! Million Dollar Baby and Life as a House are easily in my top 5 favorite movies of all time. I love the storylines of love, outside the setting of romantic love. I love the inspiring nature the stories bring about in the viewing audience to strive to do more and exceed the limitations life might try to put on us. I like to look past the depressing side of death and see the love the person brought about.
Here is a listing of more of my favorite movies: Patch Adams, Crash, The Village, The Green Mile, Remember the Titans, A Beautiful Mind, The Shawshank Redemption, Silence of the Lambs, Backdraft, Phenomenon, Rudy, The Client, Signs, Glory, John Q, Finding Nemo, and Rent.
Out of that list, many others include death and inspiring storylines filled with aspiring characters. After watching any of those, I have a good feeling within me. There's something about a movie that can "do it" for ya. It makes you feel like you are there and can feel it.
Tonight I have the pleasure of seeing another film that my first impression has left me thinking, "why is it that I really like these depressing dramas?!?" HA! But once again, I watched this film and felt a sense of relating to life and understanding the characters roles.
House of Sand and Fog was a great movie to me. It was one I wasn't able to predict and it was one that had me feeling for the characters. I wanted to keep watching and wonder what other hardships could these characters face and how would it be handled this time. There was a part where I cringed and literally said "ouch" out loud. There was a part I wanted to help the characters. And there was a part I found myself feeling the emotional hurt the characters were feeling.
It's a movie that left me not only feeling inspired, but thinking to myself, "you know, that's exactly how life is--it's hard sometimes and it just sucks sometimes, but there will be times among the hardships that good-hearted people will overlook their differences and allow love to direct their actions."
I like those kind of happy endings to a thought that begins as generally unattractive.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
- I think I might start just doing these "random thought" bullet blogs...they are easier to write. Though not as interesting I know. HA!
- I got to go to the Cowboys Preseason Opener tonight versus the reigning Superbowl champion Colts. We had seats on the 19th row up from the field at the 50-yard line. NICE seats! PLUS...we were on the Colts side and it was SOOO cool to be that close to Manning!!
- The lesson I learned today...mental health insurance coverage really IS a bitch! I've always heard people saying that...and of course being in that field I've always just agreed and said yeah...there needs to be some more respect...but uhhh...yeah. What the crap!?!
- I learned a new trick to use with myself and I recommend it to others: accountability buddies really works. For instance...if you have something that you keep putting off. Maybe something that is a private matter of yours...something you know you should and need to do, but you always come up with an excuse as to why you couldn't or didn't do it today...and then yet another day passes by that you put it off. Try this...pick one of your closest friends. Someone that you wouldn't want mad at you, or that you wouldn't want to disappoint, etc. Tell that person you want them to hold you accountable tomorrow, and to accept NO excuses from you (no matter HOW good the excuse may sound). You don't even have to tell them what it involves...just give them enough of something to ask you the next day to see if you did what you needed to do. My example: Last night I told myself enough is enough and that I needed to make myself do something. So I texted a best friend and said, "listen, tomorrow I need you to hold me accountable. I need you to ask me tomorrow if I made the call. Accept NO excuses from me." In other words I was saying, I give you permission to not talk to me or be mad at me if I haven't done what I'm saying I need to do. That in itself was the motivation it took for me to do what I had put off for months! I made the call I needed to make and proudly texted back my friend that next day and said, "call made." I refused to let myself get myself in "bad terms" with a best friend...and it motivated me to do what I hadn't been able to bring myself to do for QUITE sometime.
- That last long bullet I just thought I'd share. It was long though and probably could have made it's own blog...HA!
- Oh my gosh, can I just say that there are some people in work settings that whine and bitch and complain about things that are RIDICULOUS!!!!! PLEASE people....just do your job and get outta other people's business. It doesn't concern you, so shut up! HA!
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
- I really like the "tabs" feature on the new version of Internet Explorer.
- I still find it interesting to think about the reasons people would choose the option on their AIM preferences to not "allow users to see how long you have been idle." I know one person once said, "I don't want people to know that I'm ALWAYS at my computer," but to me, showing your screenname as NEVER going idle seems like it kinda defeats the purpose... I know there's other reasons, but they always interest me to think about them. HA!
- How about that AIM option of "allow users to see I am typing a response." I use that feature. And I'll be the first to admit that it gets me in trouble sometimes. HA! I love it, but I hate it sometimes...HA! HOWEVER, on the receiving end of it, I LOVE it when the people I'm chatting with have it. When you're on the sending end, it can get you in trouble in those deep serious talks. You find yourself starting to answer a serious/deep question and then you stop and you look at it...or you decide you want to change your response and oh yeah, the receiver is FULLY aware of your hesitation...HA! My best friend and I actually joke about that feature a lot when we are in those deep conversations...one of us will be like, "Come on now...I KNOW you were going to say something because you started to type something...so just say it!" HA! HA!
- I know of two people who today were going to take the first step in setting up appointments to see counselors; neither of them did it. Of course, as I know a little about the counseling field, I know all to well that they could teach an entire class on the reasons why people choose not to take that first step to go to counseling. HOWEVER, I still found myself really thinking both of these individuals were going to do it and for some reason I let myself feel surprised that they ended up having "excuses" for why they couldn't do it today.
- Does the term "electrocuted" imply death? Like can you be electrocuted and still live, or if that's the case were you just "shocked?" HA! Like I think someone once said to me that it's possible for you to drown and still live, but I don't know that I believe that one...HA! If you drown you died in my book.
- I've been thinking that going into private practice in a situation with business hours in the evening times, even up till like late...like taking a last client at like 9 or 10 PM would be more beneficial for treating the mildly depressed. Why? Because the mildly depressed are typically dealing with their depressive symptoms at night time. During the daytime they are typically in a better mood and busy and not feeling as depressed or depressed at all and they think they are "all better" and then the cycle begins again that evening. I guess it's kinda like how many severely mentally ill individuals get on their medications and the medicine starts to help them, and their symptoms go away and then they get off the medication because "they are better" and then it just gets bad again. Hmmm...
- Barry cheats. I'm sure Hank was thinking it in his head while he "congratulated" Barry too.
- My 7-year streak of attending ACU Homecomings will be coming to an end. The Sing Song streak ended this year too.
- Today at work I got SOOOO aggrevated, but I made myself walk away without saying something because I'm supposed to be the peacemaker now in this new position. But I sure did find myself back at my desk fuming thinking to myself: SERIOUSLY PEOPLE I PROMISE THIS WOULD BE THE BETTER WAY TO DO IT!!!! And the thing was that more people agreed with the way I was saying to do it (that it made more sense and that more people would participate that way), but when someone played it off as "it'll be more work" (which is crap, because it wouldn't be much more work at all) they just said let's do it the easier way. Yeah, easier by saving yourself 3 seconds and one pen-stroke, but I guarantee they'll raise less money this way. GRRRRRRRRRRrrrrr....
- Do you have those friends that you forget how much you love them and how much fun you have when you're around them until you find yourself spending time with them again? Yes, you do have those friends. I think we all do. I even actually end up telling those friends of mine that when I realize they are one of "those friends" for me. HA! Hey, it really is a compliment! Anyways, I just LOVE those moments of realization. Like you're talking with one of them again after an extended period of time without any interactions and you just find yourself thinking how much you've missed interacting with them! But then of course you realize that and then you most likely go another long extended period of time without interacting again...thus not learning your lesson. HA!
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
The week before she died I remember walking down the hallway...the first time I saw her that morning and she was approaching me...she looked tired and not happy (I mean it WAS early and all) and me being the type of person that can be chipper just about anytime (early morning or late at night), smiled real big at her as she approached. I did one of those smiles where they say to you, "where's your smile?!?! I'm looking for a smile, it can be a good day, friend!" and she forced herself to smile back. =)
I miss the smile.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Our teacher quizzes us over which sense we use to identify different objects. Did you note the smell? Was it the sound you heard? What flavor did it taste like? Did you run your finger across its surface?
There’s no doubt the senses are amazing and essential to our everyday lives, but how close attention to do give them as we get older? Do we begin to take them for granted? What if one of our senses was suddenly taken from us? Would we once again experience the appreciation for that sense? Would it be a feeling of sudden loss?
I think as we grow accustom to our senses, we begin to take them for granted. We begin to experience the senses as just commonalities. We get to a point where they are just our common senses, rather than THE FIVE SENSES!!!
As life moves along we forget to note the details. We ignore the pleasantries that the senses can provide us. The saying “stop and smell the roses” is just one example of how we get to a point of missing out on what the senses can add to life.
Though we may not consciously note the experiences our senses provide us with on a daily basis, they play a larger role in our life than we give them credit for most the time…
If you’ve ever lost a loved one that you had regular interactions with, it’s in the days following the loss that your senses remind you of their presence. For example…
Pictures of that loved one become MUCH more present following their death than before. People find themselves surrounding themselves with photographs of the individual. We miss seeing the person and photos are the last visual we have for our sense of sight.
People long to touch their loved one again. They miss the casual touches, the embraces, the romantic touches. Many long for that last opportunity to place a hand on the body at the funeral. Sure, we realize they will not feel the same then—that touch will be different—but we long for the sense of touch again. We want to hold that shirt he/she always wore. We want to hug the stuff animal he/she loved.
The sound of one’s voice takes on a new meaning. We long to hear the loved one’s voice again. We’ll call voicemail machines, just to hang-up at the sound of the beep merely to get to hear their voice one last time. We save voicemail messages left from them on our phones. We refuse to erase the recorded messages knowing that they can never be recreated.
The loss of a romantic partner can leave an individual missing a taste. One wanting to revisit the taste of a romantic kiss. Missing the taste left behind after a goodbye kiss.
Smells are often taken for granted in life, but they are some of the most noted reminders after a loved one passes. His/her perfume or cologne. The smell of one’s shampoo lingering from their freshly cleansed hair. The mere smell of one’s body scent. We each have a unique body scent that is often only noted after spending much time in one’s presence, particularly in one’s home. We smell every shirt of his/hers. We can smell them on their belongings. We want to smell their clothes that smell like them or the pillow they once laid their head on. The child’s blanket or stuff animal they slept with still carries their body scent. It’s those smells that we find ourselves taking in deeply when we get a chance to re-experience them after losing the being that they are associated with.
The revisiting of the senses following a loss can come quickly and last for different periods of time. Some will find it hard to past the visual reminders. Some will continually fix their sights on photos. Some will never erase the voice recordings. Others will use no other cologne to engulf their surroundings. Maybe its one sense connecting a person with their loved one, or maybe it’s four or five senses; whatever the case, the senses leave their common state and become alive again.
It’s amazing how THE FIVE SENSES affect our daily interactions with one another! Truly take in every sight, every smell, every taste, every sound, and every touch, because you don’t know when it might be gone for good.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
- Best Thing to Say If You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk: " ... in Jesus' name, Amen."
- I have nothing left lingering behind in Missouri any longer... When my parents came down this trip they brought the rest of my belongings that had been boxed up there for YEARS. This is mostly stuff I had TOTALLY forgotten about. Granted there were a few things I remembered and was excited to look through the boxes to find when they arrived: my sports cards collection, school memorabilia (i.e. the few yearbooks I didn't already have with me, my basketball stuff, etc.), and my pogs collection. I haven't gotten through ALL the boxes yet (there's probably about 10 medium/smaller sized boxes), but all I have left to find is the pogs collection, and I am REALLY looking forward to that...HA (seriously)!
- As I was going through some of this older stuff here is some conclusions I'm coming too: 1.) I saved a LOT of stuff I forgot I had saved, such as notes from high school (like notes you'd pass between friends during classes...HA). I reached in the bag of notes and pulled one out to look at it and see what one of them used to look like....uh, yeah, I have NO idea who that person was that it was from...HA! 2.) I've finally made it to "older" as I found old newspaper clippings I had saved thinking they would be cool to look back on "when I got older"...well, yeah, I guess I've made it to "older" because it was cool to see newspapers from when Agassi was winning championships with his LONG hair, and the newpapers of Princess Diana's funeral. The newspaper of the movie Titanic sweeping the Oscars and past Superbowl winners. 3.) I made some REALLY cool art projects in high school! HA! I found some of my COOL ceramic projects and airbrush projects and photography projects! 4.) I was REAL good at not paying attention in classes in high school and still getting good grades...HA! I found a binder I had put together after graduating that contained funny notes I took in class of what the teachers were saying, as well as practical joke type things I had made/did in classes. HA!
- Finally having my sports card collection back in my hands was SOOO exciting for me! HA! I LOVED collecting sports cards as a kid. What happened to that hobby? Oh right, video games. =( Anyways, I'm saddened that I can't find Beckett sports card pricing guides at libraries anymore. I guess it's because kids don't collect cards anymore. I remember as a kid growing up I'd look forward to every once in a while taking my "good" cards up to the library and sitting for hours looking them up in the Beckett price guides to see which ones were going up and down in price. When I got the collection out and was going through it the other day I kept smiling as I'd find the ones I had labeled as worth so much. I went to the library here this weekend hoping to be able to check out some Beckett guides, so I could look the cards up and see if they are worth much today, but they don't have them at the library. Sad day.
- Speaking of things that remind me of my childhood days... I went to a HalfPrice books store this weekend that was having a blowout sale on their VHS tapes (I still don't mind watching a movie on a VHS) where they had HUNDREDS and HUNDREDS of VHS tapes all on sale for $1 each. So yeah, I ended up buying 18....HA! Anyways, a few of them I got and they reminded me of my childhood: "Short Circuit," "The Brave Little Toaster," "Glory" (we had to watch it in our 8th grade history class...I LOVE that movie), and "Little Giants." Yes, a couple of them are Disney kids movies, but hey, I said they were movies that took me back to growing up times...HA!
- Yesterday I went and played tennis with my little brother who is in town with my parents. It was GOOD to get to play some sport again. I miss having people around to play a pick-up game of something or another with. I hadn't got to play me some tennis in over I year I think was the last time. Back when my siblings and I were all together in July of LAST year we all played for several hours. So I was a little outta practice with the game (not to mention I'm outta shape). And then there was my little brother who decided to welcome me to the courts with his comment of "I've been getting to play tennis either everyday or every other day this summer"...oh boy. HA! Well it didn't end up being TOO bad. He did win though with the final scores being 6-4 and 6-2. Oh well. We are going to go play again tonight I think, so maybe I'll be a little less tired and be able to beat him this time around. HA!
- I enjoyed the Postsecret cards posted for this week. In the approximate 1.5 years that I've been following the Postsecret phenomenon I have never seen any cards similar to the two "confessions" I made in the two cards I have ever sent in. This week was the FIRST time there was one even HALFWAY close to one of my cards. That was interesting to see. HA! Besides that one, there were several other cards this week that I enjoyed.
- I think I'll end with this card taken from the Postsecret site this week. It is a card that made me laugh out loud when I read it and it reminded me of an inside joke one of my cousins I live with has with me. The joke is about how he once came into my room and noticed that I have a box of Fruit Loops on my bathroom counter. When he saw it, he was like, "What the heck? You eat in the bathroom?" HA! I was like, "Yeah, when I'm getting ready in the mornings. I don't have much time." HA! So from then on we always joke about Fruit Loops (or cereal in general) in the bathroom. HA! NOTE: However, I want to state for the record that I do NOT eat while I'm GOING to the bathroom...HA!
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Incase you haven't had enough, here's a little more...
I dedicate this one to my 825 Alive roommies (and Etta James, since she's been sick and in the hospital)...
Friday, July 27, 2007
I was going to write you last night, but something came up.
Things have been good lately. As you know, L and I were just saying the other day how both of us had been doing really good except we each had had one random point of really missing you. L was saying how she heard a song and it reminded her of you and she said she just lost it. HA! For me, I hadn't cried since that first week either until just the other day and I was talking with Dr. K over at your desk. I had actually came back to the desk and caught him just admiring your kids art work that's still hung on your desk. He was just kinda smiling and looking at it. We started talking about stuff and I was commenting to him about the power of our senses in recalling the memories. I was telling him about how one of your daughters had given me one of your stuffed animal dogs from your bedroom and how when I smell it it still smells like you. As I was saying that too him I started to get choked up, so I quickly changed subjects. HA! That was the first time I found myself almost crying.
As you know, things are moving forward at work, but you're never far from anyone's minds. I know it's making you smile to see how much you've brought us all together and what an AMAZING job everyone is doing in trying to raise money for your babies! Man, I can just see you now--crying! HA! Happy tears of course now, but still. I know you're so proud of everyone at work. It makes me cry thinking about it.
I just finished reading what everyone wrote in the cards I put out this week for us to mail to your kiddos. It had me crying. I can only hope those kids realize how much you loved them, as those of us close to you from work know so well.
You know what I've been thinking about a LOT since that day? Remember that one time when we were at the mall for lunch and we were down in the food court area? We had gone into that department store that was going out of business and I just kept watching you having SOO much fun picking out outfits to get for your girls. You always LOVED to get them stuff! Anyways, I'll never forget....outta no where I was like, "Do you ever regret, well not regret, but wish you hadn't had your kids so young? Like not regret having kids, but if you could have had it differently and had the same kids and all, but later on in life, would you have?" You said you wouldn't have changed it for anything. That's always stuck with me. Sure, had some rough times because you were so young and all when you had the kids, but you made things work out. You were an amazing mom through the hardships.
Earlier today at work I found myself really missing you. As you know, there was no one around this afternoon. You know, those kinda empty Friday afternoons in the office. And with no other administration but myself there today, it made for a really quiet time back in the back. It was right after I had gone and bought from the bake sale the physical therapy department had done for your kiddos (and they raised over $375!!!) and I was sitting at your desk just eating the absolutely AMAZING brownie cupcake (oh my gosh you would have LOVED it! Not to mention you would have LOVED this sub-sandwich I had for lunch that L had went and picked up for us for lunch. Oh my gosh, D! And I know how you loved your food! HA!). As I was eating the cupcake and opening mail I just kept feeling you presence. I guess because it was so quiet back there and being in your area and all. It was making me missing those times of just chilling and talking with you back there when no one else was around.
Oh and you know, the docs aren't as scary as I thought they were! HA! And I know you're SOO proud of me for even answering the phones now! HA! HA! HA! OH...and how about those time-sheets!? HA! You weren't kidding when you said they take all day! But oh well, someone's gotta do them. At least it gives me an excuse to get to sit down for a while. I'm beginning to think your back problem might have been related to the fact that you NEVER get to sit down in your position. HA! I'm seriously like running around that office all the time! It's no wonder I'm beat by time I get home! HA!
Alright, it's Friday night, so I should probably go find something worthwhile to do I guess.
Much Love, my friend!
P.S. you KNOW you know where that 4th card we had laid out for people to sign ended up. You know, the one we had madeout for your mom and brother. It's gotta be SOMEWHERE around that office. Would you please stop playing games and let it "show up" on my desk when I get back next week. Because I really don't want to send out these three to the kiddos without that one for your mom and brother with it. Thanks, I'd appreciate it! ;)
Sunday, July 15, 2007
I have to let go before he ends up killing me…
Over the past couple of weeks I find myself intrigued by the thoughts of “did she have an idea of what was about to happen?” I can’t help but continually put parts together that make me think that that was a possibility.
If she’d known, why did she go? That’s the question so many are asking. If she herself had admitted to the possibility of him killing her, why did she continue to see him, even after the fervent pleas from loving co-workers to “stay away!”?
It’s something many can’t understand. It’s something that many refuse to understand. But it’s something that happens over and over in the lives of many…
What it boils down to is what those of us on the outside don’t know. There’s always more than what you know. And this storm has blown off the roof of a situation exposing sooo much that was never seen before.
Since the events of June 29th I’ve seen and heard more than most connected to this event have:
…I’ve been in an ER “family room” and had the news “broke” of a loved one’s passing.
…I’ve broke the news to two young innocent children that their parents were dead.
…I’ve seen the eyes of the middle child burn into my own through both of our tears as she was to be saying to me through that stare, “tell me it isn’t true.” All I could do was look back as if to say, “I wish more than anything that I could.”
…I’ve seen how resilient children can be during trying times.
…I got in the car of my friend only a matter of hours after her death to find her driver’s side visor pulled down with the mirror left open and the light on the mirror still on. To just think that she had made sure she looked well for what ended up being her last minutes on earth.
…I walked the charred remains of the hotel room in which the murderer took my friend’s life and later his own.
…I saw the dried blood left behind from the killer himself.
…I spoke with the man who made a heroic effort to save my friend; the stranger who risked his own life to save her. The man who was with her during her last breathes.
…I’ve heard the detailed story of a defenseless woman’s struggle for her own life, while at the hands of her abuser who claimed he loved her.
…I’ve walked the steps where she struggled down and then fell down and clasped at the bottom.
…I helped two mother-less girls pack their belongings into trash-bags and baskets as they said goodbye to a house in which they knew as their “home” only a day before.
…I hugged the distraught mother and brother of my friend only two days after the event as I delivered her two youngest grandchildren to her, so they could reunite with their older brother and begin accepting a new life-style with their new guardian in life.
…I’ve heard many ask “why?”
…I’ve seen many cry without having an interest in stopping.
…I’ve seen those individuals who are seldom short-on-words speechless.
…I’ve seen the bruising still showing through on my friend’s face, even after the make-up artist at the funeral home had applied the dark-colored foundation.
…I’ve seen the chipped manicured finger nails of a woman who obviously went through a struggle in her last moments of life.
…I’ve seen the face of a person left to lie to rest with an expression of fear, rather than one of peace, shown across her face.
In a matter of days the movies came alive for me. In a matter of minutes I went from knowing my friend was missing to knowing she was dead. In a matter of seconds one of my biggest fears of losing a close friend came to haunt me.
In a time period of eight months I worked one-on-one with victims of domestic violence situations. I heard the stories. I understood how real they were. I knew it could happen to anyone, but on June 29th, it hit home.
Even after the eye of the storm hit, the rains continued for days…
Things were different.
For me, the immediate days to follow were laced with strength from a desire to be strong for those less fortunate as me. Sure, I had lost a dear friend, but I still had a mom and dad. I was still going to be able to sleep in the bed I had slept in the night before. I wasn’t going to be moving to a different city without forewarning and leaving behind the friends I knew. Even in the darkness of the situation, I reminded myself that I was gratefully blessed.
Things were moving fast those first few days. So much to be done and taken care of—there really wasn’t much time to think about taking care for one’s self. Eating and sleeping were put on the back burner—for MANY people.
Reminiscent thoughts would pop into mind depending on what was going on at the time: thoughts of fun memories with my friend, thoughts of my friend with her children, thoughts of situations from work, and so many more. It was thoughts that were unavoidable, but thoughts that were also necessary for coping.
Many commented on how my training must have been so beneficial for such a time. How it must have been helpful in breaking the news of the deaths to the children. How it must have equipped me for helping grieving friends and co-workers.
Honestly, when it’s a personal situation, one can’t be expected to provide for others until he/she has provided for his/her self first. It isn’t a selfish matter. It’s a matter of one being just as human as the next.
I’ll tell you one advantage I believe my training has allotted me through this all…
I understand the importance of grieving and allowing it to happen and not being afraid of how it might have to occur.
I knew I wasn’t eating like my body needed and sleeping like I needed that first week following the storm’s devastation. But I knew that was not out of the norm for the circumstances. I wasn’t afraid to admit to it and accept that that was a phase and it would pass if I allowed it to happen.
I carefully monitored my behaviors and symptoms that first week. I noted how I was following the typical patterns of grievance. I recalled specifics in my responses to the situation that were obvious denial, anger, depression, etc.
I remember “trying” to go to sleep (and then eventually succeeding after many hours of trying) on that second night following the death. That day, I had had my eyes opened to SOOO much of what I had NOT known about in my friend’s life and I had found myself very angry. I was upset! I was obviously angry with her husband’s behaviors, but I was also upset with my friend…
How could she not have told me some of that which had been going on?! With as MUCH as she had always shared with me concerning her and his relationship, how could she have chosen to not share this information?! Had she had shared this with myself or ANY of the others of us who she confided in often about her situation, who knows, the events of the 29th could have possibly been avoided…
I was MAD that night!
It wasn’t until the next morning that I awoke from my slumber in which I truly believe my friend had granted me the reminders of my trainings and shed the light on the “why”. I was no longer mad at my friend for not having told me, because I believed I now understood why she felt she couldn’t tell me (or anyone else). In a way I felt like it was a “DUH” moment for me. I was like, “OF COURSE! It all makes sense now! I can’t be upset with her for not saying anything to me.”
So from “anger” I quickly moved into true grievance depression. I realized it and knew how important it was to let it run its course and not be ashamed of it.
It wasn’t until the Tuesday night memorial service our work-family hosted, following the events of that past Friday, that I first felt a breathe of relief. It was during that service that I found myself as one of the six who were willing to get up in front of the more than 150 attendees and share a handful of my memories of my friend. A matter of hours after my friend’s passing I knew I would want and need to share some remarks concerning my friend. It’s something I would want to do for any of my friend’s, so I knew this would be no different.
Following that service I felt more at peace. I remember driving from the church to the restaurant afterwards (to meet up with several of the others from the service to have yet another memory filled time of eating and reminiscing about our friend) and hearing on the radio the song “The Prayer” by Celine Dion and Andrea Bocelli. I had heard it before, but I think maybe only once and a LONG time prior to this night. I remember as I listened to it as I drove, I found myself thinking how beautiful it was and how it seemed like a perfect song for the time. I went home that night and downloaded it and have already listened to it some nearly 100 times on my iPod.
That week following the event was the remaining rains left behind by the storm. I was “wet” for several days, but slowly and surely the sun came back out.
The week closed with the final goodbyes on Saturday in Houston at the funeral where approximately 15 or 20 of our staff and their family members had our opportunity to view the body, take in the funeral service, and attend the burial service at the cemetery. The body did not resemble our friend that we had hopped to receive closure by viewing. It was a unanimous decision that the “picture” we saw there was not that of our “happy” co-worker and friend. It was hard seeing her in the state we saw. Bruised, roughed up, and looking fearful. It wasn’t a picture of how we wanted or planned to remember her. But at the same time, it gave us a chance to end the chapter of the week before and begin acceptance.
It can sound disrespectful to say we have to accept such a situation and move on, but it is a part of completing the grieving process.
Today, I can say I have accepted that my friend has passed. Sure, I will always miss her, but I realize that hating and remaining depressed will not bring her back. I understand that now what has to be done is getting the message out about such a situation in hopes of avoiding a similar event. I know that now the focus has to be on those three young children. I know that’s what my friend would want the focus on.
The sunshine is coming out…
I can honestly say that without the amazing support I personally have received during this difficult time, as well as the support the rest of my friend’s close friends have received, the darkness following the tragic event would still be lingering.
I have been blessed with AMAZING friends who have been SOOOO supportive during this time for me. I have gotten SOOO many messages from friends saying how they were praying for me and my friend’s family. So many encouraging notes and outlets for if I needed to talk.
I have seen our work-place come together as only a “family” can. People have been so supportive of one another. I’ve seen so many wonderful things being done in response to the events that took place.
1.) There was the memorial service we put on locally for those unable to attend the funeral service in Houston.
2.) The “in memory of” pictures hung throughout our office, reminding us of the beautiful smile and joy our friend brought to our work spaces.
3.) The flowers and pictures honoring our friend’s life that now rest in our waiting room area at work.
4.) The trust fund that one of our doctors worked IMMEDIATELY on getting opened following the event to start raising money for the three young children.
5.) The money that has already been collected in the fund by co-workers, doctors, friends, our patients at the clinic, etc.
6.) The co-workers who are setting up a monthly contribution of their own to go into the trust fund.
7.) The tree we had planted in our friend’s name outside our office. The dedication time we shared in as an office family of dedicating the tree one afternoon. Our encircling the tree and holding hands as tears flowed and people prayed and we thought of our friend as we each tossed in some soil on the tree.
8.) The co-workers that are purchasing domestic violence bracelets to wear in honor of our friend.
9.) The annual garage sale we are planning to start having every September to raise money for the children’s trust fund.
10.) The co-workers who are calling businesses to get donations for the childrens’ school supplies and school clothes for the up-coming school year.
11.) The co-workers who are contacting businesses to get donations, such as gift-cards, for us to raffle off at the garage sale to raise more money for the childrens’ fund.
And this is just what I can think of right now. I know there’s more that has gone on.
Sure, we all still miss seeing our friend bee-bopping around the office. We miss her jokes, her laugh, her pranks, but we know we can now take this time to try to pay her back for the happiness she shared with us, by doing what we know would make her happy in this situation—taking care of her three children that she loved SOOOOO dearly!
Things are different, there’s no doubt.
The storm came and left its mark that will always be here; but the sun has come back out and we are able to smile in the thought that we can use the rains from the storm to bring flowers and new life.