Wednesday, November 17, 2004
The power of a purpose. Have you ever thought about it? I hadn’t really given it much thought until it came into play for me tonight, and then I overanalyzed it (as I tend to do with topics that turn into some of my best blogs—in my opinion. Those blogs that are about those one word concepts or ideas or topics. i.e. politics, honesty, religion, assuming, sarcasm). So tonight it’s purpose.
Wow, the more I laid on my bed tonight and thought about it in depth, the more I realized that a purpose is the underlying power in SO much that we do, and honestly, I don’t think we consciously note the actual purposes that often. Or maybe it's that we do, but so quickly forget them. It’s almost like if we recognize it once, we know that the behavior or circumstance or situation has “credentialing” and we can go on once again without noting the “purpose” for the actions.
Let me start with the situation that brought about my “purpose thinking” this evening. Okay, so I had been planning for a little less than a week now to go to Abilene for tomorrow (Thursday) and stay until around 1 or 1:30 PM on Friday then coming home. My purpose being to surprise my good friend Laura and offer support as she was scheduled to undergo surgery on her broken finger tomorrow. I must also note that this brilliant idea came from my buddy Becca! So, I had been using this “mission to Abilene” as a motivational tool for getting through a lot of my homework these past couple days; viewing my trip to Abilene as a reward to follow my hard work.
So, all week Becca has been my amazing P.I. getting the scoop from Laura about when and stuff on her surgery. Well tonight Becca informs me that Laura is having some insurance complications and so she isn’t sure when her surgery will be tomorrow, if she even gets to have it. So, I decide to call Laura and try to get more details from her (realizing she is unaware of my “purpose” for calling and wanting her surgery details).
Well, to make a long story short, Laura’s surgery has been moved to Friday, (and to save a long story, I won’t be able to stay in Abilene on Friday because I have to get back to the Metroplex for something I already have scheduled for that night), so I wasn’t going to be able to go to Abilene for my “purpose” (to go with Laura for her surgery).
So, after getting off the phone I drilled myself, “So, do I still go to Abilene? It’s just for a little over a 24 hour stay. Do I still have another ‘purpose?’” Now, don’t think I didn’t already have the rest of my time in Abilene already planned out: leave a note on Ellison’s car to scare her because I know she would recognize my handwriting and be like, “Smith is in town?!?!”; randomly show up at Walker’s apartment that she has begged me to come see (and I’m tired of being called a “ho” for not going and seeing her); go watch GATA play waterball; go chill with my FAVORITE ACU library worker, Becca; then Friday, Praise Day in chapel, and possibly GATA lunch (depending on where it was at). So yes, I had other plans, but no other real “purpose.” So wanting to avoid homework more of course, and wanting to “take a vacation”, I so wanted another “purpose” to arise.
I flirted with the idea of calling my sister and telling her I would come take her to lunch tomorrow and take her grocery shopping and that kinda stuff. I was like, “that could be my purpose. To spend time with my sister.” But let’s face it, that was a “made-up purpose.” One that someone makes-up in an effort to “rationalize” with them self that they have a “purpose.”
So, I came to the conclusion while on my bed that I didn’t have another “true” purpose that would out-weigh my purposes to stay home (i.e. to save money and to get more homework finished).
So, lying on my bed, not really in a good mood I thought more about purpose. And that’s when the deeper thoughts on purpose came….
Purpose in life. Yes, I’ve always claimed to be fully aware of my purpose in life. It is written at the top of this blog if you’ve never noticed: “The 4 L’s: Learn, Labor, Laugh, and Love.” Yes, I still call this my purpose and still believe it. But it sometimes doesn’t answer my other “purpose” questions.
Oh how easy it is to lose track of our purpose on things. I used to question “how can anyone possibly contemplate the idea of suicide?” And the idea of going through with it I couldn’t even begin to fathom. But over the past year I’ve begun to realize what could bring people to think those types of thoughts. I won’t say I’ve ever considered suicide, but I have had times now that I can honestly say "I can understand why people might view it as a choice." I still can fathom doing it, but I’ve had times when I’ve been thinking things totally out and doing the “weighing the options thingy” and thinking out EVERY possible option and so the idea of just not having to deal with any of it anymore (I suppose suicide) was something I thought “well that would be AN option, but not really A option.” (I know you read that thinking, “Stupid, the correct grammatical word is “an”—which you’re right, but reread it and maybe you’ll see what I was trying to get across with it—gotta love the power of words! Also, you'll understand it better if you pronouce "A" as exactly how you say that letter of the alphabet and not by pronouncing "uh". HA!) So, enough of this suicide talk, how about religion! :)
Awww….the purpose of religion. There is both, “the purpose of religion” and “religion’s purpose.” ;) Many people enjoy the latter. Oh how so many people use religion as their purpose for living. In many cases, it IS people’s “purpose in life.” Many people devote their whole being to religious beliefs; they let it control their thoughts, behaviors, choices, etc. [Note: I want to make it clear, yes, right now in the middle of this paragraph, that I am not condemning or even depicting this choice of life in a negatively fashion or badly. I don’t want it to come off that way. Please be aware of that.]
So if that’s the latter, the first is what? Well, honestly, I don’t think I can answer that one. I honestly don’t know if anyone can answer it for someone else. I don’t even know if it is the same for all the people amidst the same religious affiliation or not. I honestly don’t know, nor do I know if a lot of people know. But I will say this, about the most I can contribute when I pair the two words together (purpose and religion) is this: my struggle with religion comes down to just that, it’s purpose.
As I think I made myself clear, I don’t know the purpose of religion. I’ll freely admit I have never been baptized and when the thought of baptism does cross my mind, I often find myself thinking, “But your ‘purpose’ for being baptized is not the right ‘purpose.’” Yes, don’t think I haven’t thought the typical thoughts like: “Well, if there DOES end up to be a God, and Heaven really exists, at least you will have been baptized JUST in case” or the “Honestly, even if you don’t believe in the whole religion hoopla, you can fake it, get baptized, and folks will ‘get off your back,’ it ain’t like they will honestly know if you’re faking your belief,” or (the one I’ve thought about recently) “Okay, so you know if there IS a Heaven, ‘so-and-so’ is going to be there, and if you ever want to see or talk to ‘so-and-so’ again, you best be getting baptized.” So, these thoughts cross a person’s mind, and that is where the power of “purpose” sticks its ugly little face in. Are any of these “thoughts” in accordance with the biblical “purpose” behind baptism? No (and even I know that). The purpose of baptism is to confess that you believe Jesus is the Son of God and that you want to devote your life to Him. Hmm, no where in any of those “thoughts” did I seem to express that “belief.” So, as any halfway bible reader (or in my case, person having grown up in the church) would know, anyone who would get baptized with the purpose in mind of those “thoughts” would be doing the baptism “in vain” (AKA baptism nullified).
So, where I was going with that paragraph? I don’t know (maybe just tying my thoughts on purpose and religion together, who knows?) Anyways, the power of a “purpose” is unbelievable if you ask me. But if you still aren’t sure, ask yourself why you do most the things you do in life. I bet you’ll find that some “purpose” is lingering about that is powering your behaviors!
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
I set up my blog counter around the beginning of November (I honestly wish I could remember the exact date), or it might have been that final week in October, I’m not exactly sure. Anyways, since that time I have surpassed the 100th visitor mark. Then today I set a new record for myself for number of visitors to my blog (which is currently at 17 for today, but the night is still young). So in my gloom of the day, I am joyous to know that people are at least in a sense interested in my life. You gotta face it, whether you like me or not, if you’re going to my blog you must have some sort of interest, even if your doing it only to procrastinate longer on your homework because we all know there are PLENTY of other websites you could be surfing instead! ;)
So, it is now that I must disclaim a myth that is evident in “blogland” and that is that you have to be a member to comment (AKA leave a reply) to someone’s posts. First, some people might have their blogs set to that format, yes, but a majority of the people have it set where ANYONE can comment you just choose the “or post anonymously” “button” on the webpage that comes up asking you to login after you have clicked the “post a comment” button thingy. Does that make sense?
Well, amidst all this joy that I get from my numerous readers, I must say I find myself enthralled by who some of my “avid” readers are. HA! Below I have decided to enlighten everyone to the knowledge of who tends to read my blogs, so you’ll know (as a reader yourself—because you ARE reading it right now!) who also shares in these readings with you! ;)
The following list is people I get off of my AIM buddylist. Folks that I think have the greatest opportunity to access to my blog (even though I realize you don’t have to be on AIM to get to my blog). Also, the listings below are all due in part to my own knowledge, they could be incorrect, and if so, feel free to correct me (AKA if you read my blogs and I don’t have you listed or I have you incorrectly listed! HA!) I personally like the “Non-Readers” section because it is the folks I need to get on to and tell them they are missin’ out! HA! ;)
Brandi Woodard (who is a GREAT friend of mine even though she isn’t a GATA!)
Jackie Beth Shilcutt
Have Read, but not in a LONG time:
Another thought, and the one being the inspiration for this blog, is the idea of the “kids” table vs. the “adult” table. Let me explain…
First, I must set the stage. Every other year my mom’s side of the family has a big get together for Thanksgiving (this year happens to be the “on” year). So, my whole family will be getting together this year right outside of Springfield, Missouri (my birth place), with approximately 50 or so relatives. To me this is cool because for one, I don’t get to see most of these people except every two years at this function, and secondly, I’ve always loved my mom’s side of the family. HA! I mean heck, the uncle I’m currently living with is her baby brother! ;)
So, at this get-together, with all these tons of people, we will have the time to eat of course. This is where I begin to think, so, where will I sit and eat this year (I have tended to ask myself this question for the past few years of this—ever since I’ve been going back for the get-together and I’ve been in college). As any of you who have big family get-togethers know, there is always the “kids” table and the “adults” table (or in our case with so many people, several of each).
I question where I belong (not that I suppose you have to be one or the other, but it isn’t like you can sit at both tables at once). I know as an almost 23 year old I’m not really what society would consider to be a “kid” anymore, but I’ve always found I relate with kids so well. Let’s face it, I would fit right in at the kids table, it ain’t like I look like I’m 23 years old anyways!
But then there is that side of me that is like, “dude, your in graduate school. You’re an ‘adult,’ so go side with the other adult relatives and fellowship with them. You’re finally part of that crowd.” But then I quickly think, well that means you’ll have to have the “adult” type conversations, and honestly I’ve never been real into the “politics and job” type talks. Granted I could spend the time educating these great relatives of mine on the wonderful experiences of Texas, which most of them are unfamiliar with (yes, I know, a lot of y’all reading this right now are letting out a big cheer and sayin’ “that’s right!” HA!) But still, I think of how I could go sit with the kiddos and not worry about things like, tasting some of the food and finding out I don’t really like it and choosing not to eat it, or if I spill on myself, not worrying about lookin’ like a dork! ;)
So, while I’m still not sure as to where I’ll sit at Thanksgiving (maybe I’ll find the “younger adult” table) I do know this: I’m just lookin’ forward to all the good food! YUM!
Also, this whole kid vs. adult confusion also brings up the topic of what do I wear to Thanksgiving? Do I wear a nice button down shirt and try to look nice and adult-like, because I am a college graduate now working on even higher up education, or do I wear my sweatshirt and jeans so I can go outside and play football and basketball with all the kids like I tend to end up doing every time we have this get together! ;) Hmmm…..
Let me know if you too are confronted with the “kids” vs. “adults” table decision, and let me know what you do, or what you think I should do! ;)
Monday, November 15, 2004
Sometimes some of the things that make me laugh the most are some of the TOTALLY random stuff I come up with. It is those things that make you think, "Who the crap thinks up things like that!?!?" HA! Those are some of my FAVORITE moments! And as you will see by the RANDOMNESS of a letter I wrote to a friend at the bottom of this blog, you'll know what I'm talking about.
But first I must say, today was full of random HILAROUS humor! First, Holly and I took it upon ourselves to call SEVERAL of our favorite folks to give them our rendition of a good ol' commercial for none other than non-alcoholic beer! HA! Random? Yes! Fun? NO DOUBT! And thanks to Miss Walker for the call back and giving me the opportunity to "wing it" and keep the humor continuing, but I did have to hang-up on her when I couldn't keep myself composed enough to say "fermentation" without laughing! That word just sounds kinda dirty...HA!
So, after that, it was time for some good ol' AIM humor! This prank/joke you'll have to read more about on Holly's blog at http://hollylovebug.blogspot.com It was rather humorous if I might say so myself. At one point when we were having the conversation with the person I was laughing so hard I was crying!
And finally...the blog I've been putting off posting until I knew the person that I sent the letter to had received it. So here we go....
Okay, so recently Holly and I took it upon ourselves to make our friends more aware of Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) by sending a handful of folks several brochures a piece that covered specific STDs, such as gonorrhea, chlamydia, HIV/AIDS, and others. I even recommended to some of these friends who received these pamphlets to place them in the bathrooms of their homes after they finished reading them because I thought they made GREAT bathroom reading material and I thought that way special guests who visit their homes would become more aware of STDs as well.
It was unfortunate though that I was later informed that one of my friends who did not receive any pamphlets in the mail, but her roommate did, was upset that she didn’t get this helpful information in the mail. So, of course I couldn’t live my life knowing that this one friend might fall subject to an STD because I did not inform her with this information, so I immediately wrote her a letter in my class that next morning which included what I like to call the “Quick STD Facts List.” Below I have left y’all a copy of what my letter to her included, because I too worry about YOUR safety!
STD Facts for those of us that don’t have enough time to read the pamphlets (except maybe while we’re in the bathroom):
-STDs are bad!
-You can’t get an STD by sharing a pencil in class with someone who has an STD.
-You can get an STD from someone you shared a pencil with in class if you have sex with them in class.
-If you have a phobia of people who have STDs, this is called: STD Phobia.
-STDs can kill!
-Myth: STDs do not cause an individual to have extra ice cream cravings (that just comes from the fact that you love ice cream!)
-You can not get an STD from a person who has sat in a chair previously to you sitting there.
-You can get an STD if a person who has as STD sits in a chair without pants or underwear on and then you sit in the chair without pants or underwear on!
These quick STD Facts are 100% genuine and approved by the National “STDs Kill” Association.
[Here is the added information I wrote on the back of the letter for her…]
I didn’t want you to think that I didn’t care if you got an STD since I didn’t send you any flyers like I sent your roommate. I just realize you’re like me, and too busy to have the time to read those things, so I hope these “Quick Facts” help you out and answer any questions you might have had about STDs.
I also totally understand that sometimes when people go to the bathroom they might not have the time to read the flyers that I suggested your roommate place in y’alls bathroom, so I recommend taping these “Quick Facts” above the toilet paper dispenser, because they are so quick and easy to read, a person can read them in the amount of time it takes to tear off the toilet paper you’ll need!!
Love ya and take care of yourself!
Kimberly R. Smith
Saturday, November 13, 2004
My Top Ten Favorite Posts from My Old Blog Website:
No More Politics, Please!
Those Were the Days....
How "Smart" Do You Really Have to be to Get a College Degree?
The Power of Words!
These Kinda Questions Will Make Ya Think...
Friday, November 12, 2004
Altruistic: now isn’t that a word you’d love to be described as? I know I would. So, what do you think it takes from our selves to become altruistic? Well, putting others before our self of course! So, I ask you to ask yourself: do I make myself too busy for my friends?
A good friend of mine got me thinking about this lately and I think too often we are all (yes, myself included) guilty of this—being too busy for the people we love. In this fast-paced world we live in today we tend to get wrapped up in what I have to do today and we tend to forget about what we should be doing, which, in terms of altruism, would be looking out for our fellow man.
I’m sure we can all think of a friend of ours that we love dearly, but sometimes feel as if he/she is too busy for us. I hate to think I have given that impression to some of my friends in the past (I’m sure I’m as guilty of it as anyone else).
So, it’s just something for us all to consider and think about when we are faced with making decisions each day, or when a friend comes to us with a favor, or even just to talk. Let’s reconsider “being too busy.”
Thursday, November 11, 2004
So, having been totally influenced by my new found blog friend, galvanized chaos, I am going to begin my “This Is Me” posts which are basically a list of things you might not have known about me. Of course, I fear mine might not be as entertaining as chaos’, but in efforts to try, my lists will have a slight twist. Since most people tend to consider me a little “odd,” all the odd numbered items on the lists will be 100% genuine, while the even numbered ones will be left up to your discretion for their authenticity! HA! (by the way, have you ever noticed how often I say “HA!” in blogs or on AIM!?!? HA!)
So without further ado…
1. As a kid I always wanted to grow up to be a worker at McDonalds (I still haven’t fulfilled that childhood dream yet though)!
2. One time I almost cut my finger off with the scissors, but then I remembered to open my eyes while cutting.
3. One time I ran full speed into a sliding glass door (I can’t help it, they had kept it open all day long and then when it was night time I couldn’t see it was closed because it was dark outside and light inside, so I didn’t see it!)
4. I got an award in 3rd grade for being the best gymnast in P.E. class.
5. I didn’t know that the Texans lost their battle at the Alamo until this past spring when I saw the movie “The Alamo” at the drive-in theater. (Good thing my buddy, Becca filled me in on the rest of Texas history that night)!
6. In high school I noticed I had a crack down the center of my butt, so I tried to fix it with super glue – I’ll never try THAT one again.
7. I’m related to Sam Houston (so you would THINK I would know Texas history, especially the Alamo thingy)!
8. When I was in elementary school I was so short that my feet wouldn’t reach the floor when I was sitting in my desk so I would have to take medicine so my legs wouldn’t lose blood circulation from having to dangle the entire the day.
9. Words I can NEVER seem to remember how to spell: diarrhea and available (don’t worry, I’m writing this on a Word Document so I can use the little squiggly lines under them to correct my spelling!)
10. I was voted “most likely to end up on the Jerry Springer Show” in high school!
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
So I’ve recently discovered it had finally happened to me. Maybe not in the sense that I am looked to for wisdom or even held up out of respect, but I’ve found I’m someone that someone looks up too! And I can honestly say this is one of the coolest feelings in the world!
You might have heard me talk before about my cousin (or “brother” as I sometimes refer to him) Brandon. He is my aunt’s middle child and he is 12 (almost 13) years old. I’ll admit, she has two AMAZING young boys, and actually, two summers ago it seemed that Preston (her other son who is 11) and I had bonded more than me and Brandon, but this summer there is no denying it, Brandon and I became the buddies!
I love this kid, I gotta say! I have so much fun just hanging out with him too! I mean just the other night I wrestled (and I’m not talkin’ girlie play…I’m mean straight out, wrap your arms around each other and throw each other on the bed and then sit on them till you pin them wrestling!) with Brandon in my bedroom for like 20 minutes! It was a riot! It reminded me of how I would wrestle with Jeremy when we were younger kids.
Then tonight, he came in my room and was asking me about my paper I’d been working the last few days on (the one I have been writing on Charles Trevathan) and we got talking about the paper and I was showing him parts of it, and then I got showing him other things about Charles and we literally talked about Charles (who he has obviously never met) for like 30 minutes. He would have me read him the article I wrote in the Optimist about him, and then have me read him the letters of recommendation Charles wrote for me. I’ll tell you what, for having never met the man, he seemed like he was so interested and for me to get to just talk about someone who meant so much to me to him was such a blessing for me!
So I’ll admit, I’m a sucker for doing things for Brandon because it means so much to me that I’ve learned that he looks up to me as he does. Like tonight I went up to the store to get him some peaches to eat since he has been sick and throwing up the last two days (yes, peaches work…trust me, it is an old home remedy from the Smith household!).
Then there was last week when his mom came home and after a long day at work she wasn’t in a good mood at ALL and was yelling at the boys to do their homework and she had Brandon in tears on his bed (which is NOT normal for him, he NEVER cries). I felt really bad, and while I had a ton of homework myself that night, I couldn’t stand the fact that he was getting yelled at and not helped with his homework. So I went up to his room and starting doing what I do best with him: making him laugh! And I had him wiping away his tears in only a matter of time and the next thing you knew, he was in my room and we did his entire science report together! So then two nights ago he had to make a poster for the science experiment and I took him to Walmart and we got all the stuff and we made the daw-gone COOLEST display for an experiment I’ve ever seen! (totally impressed my aunt and uncle when they got home!)
And I’ll tell you one thing. I’ve always found my sense of humor as a tool to get people to like me (I mean heck, it ain’t like I have much to offer), but with Brandon, I’ve never seen someone that thinks I’m as incredibly funny as he does (and don’t think that doesn’t inflate my head! HA!) This kid seriously tells me “Oh my gosh, Kimberly. How did you get so funny!” like honestly once a week. The rest of the time he is laughing too hard to talk to say it! I can always count on one thing with him, if I need to make him laugh in a situation, it isn’t too hard!
It’s funny though how I can relate and “get to” Brandon more than even his family can. And I’m not just saying this, my aunt admits it ALL the time. Just the other night she was like, “will you tell the boys to wear their thermal underwear under their jeans to the football game because it will be cold. You know they listen to you better than me.” While this very well might be true, I take it as quite a compliment.
Then there was the night I was at Brandon’s football game and I was in the stands sitting with his mom, his dad (my aunt’s ex-husband), and Preston. Preston had done to get some candy at the concession stand and my aunt turned around to her Ex and goes, “Sometimes I wonder if Ashley (her oldest kid) gets jealous of Kimberly because she has such a good relationship with the boys.” And her Ex just laughed and goes, “You wonder!? I’m sure she does.”
And then many times my aunt will jokingly (but I know deep down it bothers her) say to me, “Gosh, they boys don’t even run up to hug me when I come home, like they do you!” That one does make me feel bad though, because it is true. The boys will come in and go, “SISTER!!!” and come running to me and give me a hug…LOL! It just makes me smile! HA!
It’s even funny how I’ve influenced Brandon’s eating habits! LOL. All of my aunt’s kids are picky eaters, but Brandon is probably the least picky, and he has gotten even less picky because he sees how I ain’t picky at all. It is funny to see that he will try things just because I eat it. And I can’t tell you how cool I feel that I’ve gotten him to practically stop drinking soda and pretty much only drink lemonade like me! HA!
I don’t know a lot, but I can tell you that the feeling of making a difference in a kids life is SOOOO cool!
But I think I felt the best when he told me a few weeks back something about college. Now let me tell you, Preston is a die-hard Aggie fan and wants to go to A&M. But Brandon is a die-hard Longhorns fan and wants to go to UT. And when I say die-hard, I mean they each have like 10 different ball caps for their respective teams. So anyways, not to long ago, one night in my room Brandon and I were talking and he said, “I was thinking and if I don’t get to go to UT, I think ACU is my second choice.” Oh my gosh! I about died (but I of course kept my cool with him in here). Before they met me, those boys knew nothing about ACU, so to hear him say that was like the coolest thing in the world to me, especially since I hold ACU in like the highest regard in the world for the blessings I’ve been blessed with from there.
So, while I might still have several more years before I will be old enough, wise enough, experienced in life enough, and “cool” enough to MAYBE have “adults” look up to me, I can tell you the influence of a kid lookin’ up to you is powerful enough for me!
And gosh, if one day I’m ever blessed enough to have a kiddo (or maybe two) myself, I could only hope I could have a relationship with them as I do with Brandon!
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
I can not remember when the first instance of true feeling was for me, but I can tell you it has been since my freshman year at ACU. I’ll never forget the time I asked my friend about true feeling:
It was a random school night my freshman year and I was with my best friend Amber Letz (now Ramirez) and we were having one of our nightly deep serious talks in her dorm room. Her roommate wasn’t around that night and we had the lights off, door half open to let some light shine in from the hallway, she was in her bed (the bottom bunk) and I was doing my typical sprawled out across the floor staring intensely at the ceiling while I thought pose.
I remember saying, “You know how people talk about being able to feel something in their heart? Like saying ‘I hurt so bad for the person I felt it in my heart’ or ‘It made me so happy that I felt the love in my heart.’ Well, can you really feel in your heart? I mean do your organs really feel? Aren’t feelings like a mental state of being? Can you have a feeling within your body/chest area like that?”
She said, “Yes.”
“So you’ve felt a feeling in your heart?”
“Hmmm…well I guess you can’t describe it, huh?”
“No, not really.”
Man, if I’d only known then what I was missing out on!
Today I can honestly say I am a happier more fulfilled person because of the joy I get from truly feeling. The power of those deep feelings is unbelievable! Whether it’s the true, deep-down feeling of love or passion or a drive or inspiration or motivation or one of those feelings that you really just can’t put a name on, THOSE are the feelings that make life worth living each day!
If you’re still reading this at this point and you honestly don’t know what I’m talking about, there’s the possibility that you’ve never truly felt before (and that is completely possible and while you might be missing out, maybe you just haven’t gotten to that stage in your life yet or something—heck, I didn’t truly start feeling either till apparently the last few years). But if you do know what I’m talking about, maybe you can relate to some of the scenarios that I truly can feel with….
Like this evening I was inspired to write this blog because of my feeling I had during my drive to my night class tonight. If you’re a huge music fan like I am, you can probably get yourself to that deep sense of feeling through music. Tonight on my drive to school I had my music BLARING (as I love to do when I’m in the car alone) and I was singing along really loudly. Sometimes with music I can totally just feel it and it just completely energizes me. Sometimes the energy is inspirational, sometimes a happy feeling, sometimes motivational, etc. And usually when the song hits me like that, and I’m singing at the top of my lungs, I normally will play the song over and over, as I did tonight. One of the songs that just totally was feeling tonight was “I Dare You to Move” by Switchfoot (which I highly recommend if you’ve never heard it). Gosh, while these deep feelings are hard to explain, tonight I was just so energized and motivated by the music (and honestly it didn’t really have much to do with these specific lyrics—though it sometimes does). I remember pulling into a parking spot at school and since I was a little early I just stayed in the car and listened to the sound over and over (yes, still singing…I don’t care if folks are around lookin’ because I was totally feeling, baby!) I remember getting this total urge to call a friend and just say “Hi” because I was in a great mood and I wanted to make sure someone else was having a good day too! That is what true feelings will do for you (they’ll inspire you when normal times might not).
Another time when I can totally get the deep feeling is when someone that means a lot to me tells me something nice or just simply makes my day by surprising me with an email or an IM or a call or something like that. Have you ever just felt that deep feeling of appreciation? Gosh, that is quite possibly one of the best feelings in the world! This sense of appreciation is a form of love and it is one of those deep feelings that always gets me and just puts me in the BEST mood!
Honestly, the true, deep, in the depths of your chest, basically in your heart I suppose, feelings that are felt are quite possibly one of the most wonderful blessings in this life! I think it is these deep feelings that really drive us as human beings through life on a higher level of living.
First, as an avid reader of my blogs, you probably remember a recent blog I had that was about me “being back;” about how I felt like my “old” self was back again, since I’d been going through a rather “down” time. Well, I’m proud to announce that I think I AM back, and hopefully for good! I haven’t felt “down” or basically below my “typical” level of highly confident self since prior to that night I blogged. I still wonder daily if it really was some unconscious power the political election business was having over me, or what. But I do know I don’t mind believing it was that, because it gives me a reason to not fear going back to that “down” situation (at least not for another 4 years…HA!)
Second, I’ve been TOTALLY bogged down with homework this last few days (especially this weekend). I ALMOST have my first of three 10 page papers finished. This first one I am writing over Chuck’s life, and I’ve been WAY impressed with it because we were suppose to interview our person and stuff like that, well, I have just found other means of getting my information, and I’ve got a little over 9 pages written on his life and I JUST started the part about him starting his first year as a full-time professor at ACU (and to think, that’s the part of his life you would think I would know the most about). I’m hoping to finish this paper today and then begin reading my tons of printouts for my next ten page paper.
Thirdly, I want everyone to be really careful to take care of themselves. Apparently there is “something” going around. My aunt had it not to long ago, then my ex-aunt “apparently” had it last week, but that one I question, I think it was a “show” because I busted her! HA! (that is a WHOLE other story for another time!), then Preston (my cousin) had it last week, then today Brandon (my other cousin) has it. “It” is throwing up, so not something you’ll wanna “try”! While I don’t believe it is the flu, I’ll tell you folks what, I’m about to come up on the one-year anniversary of them I had the flu (it came the last week of regular classes my fall 2003 semester) and I have NEVER been that sick in my LIFE! It is the worst thing! Let’s all be sure to take care of ourselves and get rest, and not overly stressed amidst a time of tons of papers, projects, and deadlines (as we all have!) Also, a lot of illness is a mental game, especially if those who are sick are “around” you, so fight it! I wanna try this new stuff I saw on Oprah (I know, it’s all good though), and it is called “Airborne” and it is suppose to be highly recommended for teachers because they are always around so many germs. Anyways, I know they have it at Wal-Mart I believe, but anyways, it is apparently some thing you dissolve in water I think and drink it, but it is suppose to be taken when you feel the beginning signs of a cold or illness coming on.
Okay, I better get back to homework, but I wanted to give my blog readers something new! I love y’all!
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Many times have I had people say to me that I “can’t be serious.” Then today it was put to me that my inability to be serious is my “flaw in friendship.” It was described in these terms: “a flaw in friendship is when the two friends can’t be serious when needed.” So, after hearing this I began to give it more thought throughout the day and question myself, “Am I incapable of being serious?” “Am I incapable of identifying situations of seriousness?”
All this thinking only brought up more questions in my head. “What makes a situation a ‘serious’ situation?” “When is a situation strictly limited to ‘serious’ talk?” and, my favorite, “Is there really situations where humor is completely unacceptable?” [Gosh, too many questions…this reminds me of school!]
So, with all the questions I decided I needed to reflect on past experiences in my life, mainly situations dealing with friendships I’ve had and if times of seriousness were ever present. In efforts not to bring my personal friendships into the public light, because I don’t want anyone offended that I spoke of our relationship in front of my millions of blog readers that I tell myself I have, I will simply say this: I can think of a good number of specific times I have had very deep, serious talks with folks, especially close friends, because if you want true, deep, meaningful serious stuff from me, I normally only open that up to people I’m really close with, but anyways, the answer is “yes” I believe I have been serious in friendships.
Now this is my true beliefs on seriousness though. Yes, being serious is important, because I think seriousness goes hand-in-hand with true honesty (think about it and you’ll know what I mean), but I also find it hard to think of a situation where “humor is completely unacceptable” and to be quite honest, I can’t think of a situation that wouldn’t be “lifted up” by the use of a little humor; it seems as though it is the “light at the end of the tunnel” sometimes, if you ask me! I’ve even found rather recently the true benefits of the use of humor in situations as “serious” as death (yes, believe it! Becca will back me on this one too!)
So, after saying all this, I think back again to some of the specific individuals who have told me in the past that I “can’t be serious” and try to see where they are coming from. I think some people simply differ from me in that they believe that there ARE some situations where “humor is unacceptable.” I think they tend to view humor thrown into a “serious” situation as a “distraction” while I view it as a chance to lighten the moment, to not get too wrapped up in the pressure/stress of the time.
So, I personally believe I AM capable of being serious when “needed.” Of course, I believe I’m capable of anything I put my mind too, so I better rephrase that: I believe I have been and still can be serious with my friends when times call for seriousness. I will also say this, you will find, I have some sort of a nocturnal setting on my seriousness level, and it tends to reach it’s maximum potential at night (AKA I can be my serious-est at night). Like those late night walks, right Laura? ;) And finally, you’ll find I limit my humor in situations where I am driven by passion. For instance, I was saying to someone today how you can tell if I’m really passionate about something I’m writing because it will be really long (yes, I know you’re thinking, “well gosh, you must be passionate about EVERYTHING you write!” but in reference to all my writings, the longer ones are normally my more passionate ones). You’ll normally find that when I’m passionate, I limit my “humorous” comments. For instance with writing, my style of humor normally falls in parentheses, which I would refer to as an “aside.” Isn’t that the right word? So, next time you’re reading something I’ve written (and past “Canned Meat” readers might have noticed it, because I made attempts at most of my humor in those via asides) note my usage of “asides.”
In conclusion, I want your input. I want your honest opinion of if you a.) think I’m capable of being serious, and b.) have ever seen me be serious. Trust me, I have heard that I “can’t be serious” enough times that you saying it again won’t offend me, if anything, it might help me to see my true self (if that truly is who I am). Simply “comment” to this post and let me know, I truly do want your opinion! Thanks!
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
First off, I want to go a little more into what I mean about being back to my “old” self. Over the past month mostly (but it has been longer than that, but more so just the past month) I haven’t been my typical optimist, confident, happy, upbeat self. In a sense, I would almost say I have been near depressed. This honestly was a new area for me. Never before have I been even close to depressed. Lately I’ve found myself easily annoyed, easily saddened, and struggling for confidence in myself.
All semester I have struggled with the idea of “am I doing the right thing going to graduate school in social work?” This issue has no doubt influenced my confidence, mood, and basically my overall being. I must admit, this is an area in my life that I wish I could get some good guidance and advice in, but if you know me, you know I’m VERY picky in who I will ask for advice and even more picky in whose advice I’ll follow. So I’ll admit too, I tend to lean towards getting advice from individuals who I view as more intellectual/wise than myself (we all know when I’m my “old” self I think I’m one of the smartest folks around! HA!) . So as I’m sure most of you are tired of me mentioning, I must say his name again, this is where the lost of my role model/mentor Chucky T is so greatly missed. He would be the person I would go to for situations JUST as this: advice and wisdom on life decisions. The last time I was in his office and talking with him HE was the one that brought up my decision to go the social work route; he said, “So, is the social work program still going to work out for you to do what you want to do?” HE was the one that remembered me telling him back last year when I was trying to decide whether to do social work or psychology that I wanted to be a therapist in the future and I believed I could get that end goal through going the social work route even though I preferred psychology over social work. So yes, not a day has gone by since his death that I haven’t wished I could ask him about what to do about this social work thingy, but I keep myself going because I know how much he always told me how he believed in me and knew I could do anything I wanted. I’ve never had someone make me believe in myself the way that man did. One of the most inspiring things was how he would always call me Dr. Smith. It wasn’t just when it was him and I alone talking, but he would refer to me as Dr. Smith in front of my classes with him. Do you know how much I would love to be Dr. Smith?! (Sorry, I know you are tired of me talkin’ about Chuck, but writing it out helps me deal, sorry!)
So, what else has had me “down” lately? Well, first, and I know a lot of folks will say “whatever,” but I’ve been putting on weight the past year basically. Maybe not real “noticeable” weight to others, but I’ve gained a LOT of weight in my face (I became aware of this when I got my new driver’s license this summer which I compared to my driver’s license I had got last summer). You can see the difference if you look at older pictures of myself and compare them to newer ones (trust me…you’ll see it). Then there is the whole idea of even becoming depressed that is depressing (this is because depression runs in my family and I have been determined to not let myself become depressed). I’ve also been missing my ACU friends lately (maybe you’ve noticed me asking you what your plans are following graduation if you’re graduating in May—hoping you might say “moving to the metroplex…HA!) Then there is the big factor of money that has hit me this year because of my new found bills (such as a car) and the idea of wanting to move out and get my own apartment. I’ve never been a fan of money! And finally the process of self-change is a tough issue to deal with (even if the change is for the good). I’ve found myself working toward change in three areas of my life right now. I have totally cut-out my “potty mouth” (which has become influenced these past few months from folks I’ve been around, such as people at work, school, and even home here sometimes). I’m working on “trying” to watch what I eat. I’ve cut back on French fries which I OH so much love and I’ve cut back on what I have been coined as saying “dinner number twos.” And finally, I’ve decided random alcohol drinking such as randomly deciding to go pick up some Smirnoff’s to have while I work on a paper with a friend is not needed. I was at a point at the beginning of the semester where I would be having drink once if not twice a week, and that is not me, so now I can say I haven’t drank alcohol for almost two weeks. And that last time was just a small bit anyways.
So, why do I think today I found myself “back to my ‘old’ self?” Here is my hypotheses: first, I woke up this morning and rolled outta bed realizing I was getting up really late and decided to come check my email even though I SHOULD have been getting ready for school. As soon as I took my away message off I was greeted with a very friendly “Good Morning!” from one of my favorite people, Miss Laura Singleton. I’ll tell you what, nothing beats an immediate, unexpected good morning from a good friend! So Laura and I chatted for 30 minutes this morning while I got ready for school (so I was off to a GREAT start for the day). Then I came home for lunch to find many encouraging IMs from Laura once again (what a great friend she is!)
But here is what I think could possibly have been nagging at me for the past few months unconsciously and I had no idea until now: the election. Yes, I know you’re thinking “WHATEVER,” but honestly, I don’t think people realize how much I can’t stand politics. There are not many things in this world that I can NOT stand (AKA “hate”), but politics include many of these things: liars, sucking up, saying what people “want” you to say, and most importantly trash talking other people. I can not STAND people talking negatively about other people. This election this year has been TERRIBLE with “candidate bashing.” But another thing that really bothers me, is the “dividing” politics does to people, especially friends and families. If someone claims to be a republican and someone else a democrat, you are automatically “against” one another or view the other person “negatively”; how terrible is that!?!? I can’t stand it!
I’ll be frank. Holly Herr and I spend a lot of time together as I’m sure all of you reading this know. Also, as many of you know, if I had to choose a politic party to associate with it would be the republican party (I get this from my family influence), and many of you know Holly does not tend to claim a party, but if she had to lean towards one, it wouldn’t be the republicans. So, Holly has been really frank with me (and others) about her opinion of Bush recently, and while I won’t say I care that much about one political party over another, I will say I feel like she is attacking me when she attacks Bush since she knows I lean towards that party. But since I don’t claim to know much about views and stances in politics and where parties stand on issues, I just stay quiet and don’t comment back to her Republican attacks. I think this has built up in me too.
But overall, I think the election as a whole, coming to a close today, has really lifted an unconscious burden I’ve had over the past few months. I’ll be SOO happy to not have to hear about Bush vs. Kerry anymore, mainly not have to hear the political party trash talking that I hear from friends, television advertisements, the students and professors at school, people at work, family, etc.
So, am I back? Will I be the Kimberly Smith again that you became friends with in the first place? I can only hope so. I miss my “old” self more than you do I’m sure!