It really is.
Good news is of course always welcome, but when it comes to bad news, it is even more welcome than the uncertainty of the unknown.
When you just do not know it is so hard.
The unknown is frustrating, because when you do not know, you really don’t know how to feel. And that can only tend to bring about a sense of being scared, worried, or just plain frustrated.
I know several people right now that are looking graduation in the face and they can not look at it with a sense of excitement for themselves because of the uncertainty of the unknown. What’s next? It will be here before I know it and I have no clue what my next step is.
Of course, if they knew they had a job lined up with so-and-so business awaiting them upon receiving their graduation there would be no sense of uncertainty. Even if they where given the bad news that upon graduation they were going to have to go back and take another course or two to get some special certification for some job position they have longed for for so long, even THAT bad news would be more appealing than simply not knowing what awaits them and what is next.
It is that unknown that is just so scary. I have never had anyone I was real close to go through an extensive surgery, but I bet that is a good example of this. I bet those hours while the surgery is taking place are the toughest on the family as they wait in the waiting room. You are stuck in the unknown. You do not know what is going on, so there is that uncertainty. You do not even know how you should be feeling. What emotions are there? You don’t know because you are in the unknown. At least when the surgeon reappears to deliver the news, whether good or bad, you are at least brought into “the know” and allowing you to know what emotions to express—joy or sorrow.
I went through this start of the uncertainty of the unknown to like the extreme for me during the summer of 2000. I had just graduated high school and refused to make a decision about college. I had NO interest in going ALL the way to Texas and to leave all my friends to go to ACU where my parents wanted me. I wanted to go to the state school in Missouri. It was a hard time for me. I was uncertain on what to do, which left my future in the unknown. Even once I finally “gave in” to the going to ACU decision, only a couple weeks before I was to be there, I still had the uncertainty of the unknown of not knowing anyone and not knowing what it would be like going to school there. Once again….it was still hard…
Luck for me I had a best friend in St. Louis that helped me through that summer. There’s no doubt in my mind that I would not have been able to get through that summer as “sane” as I did had I not had her there for me. She of course was encouraging me to go to the Missouri state school, as that would have been closer to home, so I would have gotten home more to see her, but she still “acted” happy for me when I breathed that sigh of relief after having made it through the “decision” to go to ACU.
As most of us all know, I made it through the uncertainty of what life and college would be like at ACU. And as many have heard me say before, going to ACU has definitely been one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
So with that uncertainty in the past, what brings this blog up today?
[WARNING: this is where this blog gets long and you might have no interest in reading it, but I’m still putting it here because it is heavy on my heart right now and has been for several days, for sure]
I’m frustrated with the uncertainty of the unknown again, and it relates to the best friend that helped me through the first time of the unknown….
I’ll admit, as expected, over my 4 years away from St. Louis while I went to ACU the closeness of our friendship feel off. We still kept in touch, but the contacts got less and less, mainly during the last two years. I take my share of responsibility for that. No doubt. I realize I could have picked up the phone as easily as she could have, but I just didn’t, that often.
But while we might not have talked as often, I still held that friend very close to my heart! She was definitely one of the closest friends I’ve ever had; even to this day.
So where is the uncertainty, you ask? Well this summer she called me randomly to get my mailing address to send me an invitation to her wedding. There was no way I was going to miss that wedding; and I didn’t!
I went to her wedding on August 6th. It was GREAT to see her, especially as she was so happy! Unfortunately, that is the last time I’ve talked to her. But this time I am not taking responsibility for this lack of communication.
Since August I want to list out my attempts to connect with this friend:
--I know I called her AT LEAST once in August (got her voicemail, left a message)
--I know I called once in Sept. (got her voicemail, left a message)
--I know I called twice in October, because it was her birthday (got her voicemail, left a messages)
--I called around Thanksgiving (got her voicemail, left a message)
--It hit me hard one night and I got up late outta bed and typed her a long 3 page letter and mailed it to her. I included a self-addressed stamped envelope asking her to PLEASE either write me back or at least just send the envelope back empty so I would know she got the letter and read it. (still haven’t seen that envelope again)
--The night I got into St. Louis for Christmas I left my house after having only been there for 30 minutes and went up to her place of employment (no sign of her)
--The next day I went to her place of employment (no sign of her)
--The next day was Christmas eve and then Christmas, so I didn’t attempt to contact her.
--On Christmas I even saw her brother-in-law at church and asked him if she still worked at that place and he said yes
--On Monday (the day after Christmas) I went to her place of employment (no sign of her), then found her new apartment and knocked on the door (no answer). And while I’m not positive, since I don’t know for sure what she drives now, I THINK her car might have been parked out in the parking lot, but I do not know that for sure. But then she could be gone with her husband too of course.
--I drove around and went back to her apartment in about an hour. Still no answer at the door. I went out to my car and called her (no answer—left a voicemail).
--I went back to her place of employment (no sign of her)
--Later that night I went back to her place of employment one final time—no luck. So on my drive home I called her from the *67 (or is it *69…I always get those two confused), whatever, I called her “private”…still no answer.
So last week I guess it was, I decided I can’t just quit. I will become annoying before I will just give up!
So I started calling her daily, normally twice a day and leaving voicemails every time. And yes, my voicemails have begun to get sarcastic, though not mean. You know, stuff like, “oh, it’s your voicemail again. Your voicemail and I are getting to be really close now…” but I would still close the voicemail with something nice like, “well, I was just trying again to get you, but I guess I missed ya again. Maybe I’ll get you tomorrow.”
So believe it or not, on Tuesday I guess it was, for some ODD reason, she called me at 8:25 in the morning. The phone woke me up, and since I assumed it was work, I didn’t jump out of bed to get it. I waited and when no voicemail came, I REALLY thought it was work. So as I drug myself out of bed a few minutes later and saw it had been her I about died!
Now, I suppose most people who had been trying to get ahold of someone as much as I had would have immediately called her back. Don’t worry, the thought did cross my mind, but then I thought, “ you know what…I’m suppose to be going to work…I’m not going to be later to work because of her and I’m not going to be at her beaconing call after all that I’ve gone through to get in touch with her, ESPECIALLY if she isn’t willing to leave a voicemail.” So I got myself ready and went to work with the intentions of calling her on my lunch break.
Well, at 10 AM I got a “PRIVATE” call and though I do not know for sure, I have pretty good reasons to think it was her, as I answered it and I was hung-up on immediately. Interesting. So when I called her at lunchtime and didn’t get her, that was when I began the twice a day calling last week and called for Tuesday, Wed. and Thursday—all no luck.
So this is where I stand today.
I hate the unknown. I really just want to know what happened. Is she mad at me? Did I do something? Is she afraid I’m mad at her because of the guy she married? Was she mad I wouldn’t go stand in the group of girls when she tossed the bouquet at the wedding? Is she still upset that I “left her” when I came to Texas? I just don’t know….
It’s so hard not knowing. Even knowing she hates my guts is better than not knowing, to me. I wrote this in the letter to her:
I’ve enclosed a self-addressed stamp envelope that you can respond back in. I can’t tell you how much a response back to me would mean to me. Even if the whole thing is to tell me that you can’t stand the thought of having to talk to me anymore after what I’ve done to you in our friendship, at least then I’ll have an answer to my question; the unknown just hurts too much. Once again, I just ask for your complete honesty, no matter how harsh you may feel it is to say to me.
So here are my thoughts…
I know by now, if you’re even still reading at this point, you are probably thinking I’m a sick stalker. That’s okay, at least I’m not stalking you! HA! No really though…
I can’t just let this go. With the value that I place on friendships, the not-knowing in this friendship eats at me constantly.
So I discussed my next moves with a friend at work and she gave me another GREAT idea, so I want to share them here and see what you think….
I want to mail a letter to her daily. I could probably continue the phone calls too I suppose. HA! But the letters I feel is a lot less confrontational and she is DEFINTELY not a big fan of confrontation, which makes it harder for me, because I don’t really have much of a problem with it. HA!
I also thought about mailing a copy of the letter I originally sent her to her parents address (addressed to her though of course), but that’s incase she isn’t getting the letters at her apartment (I have possible thoughts that her husband might be involved with her not getting to communicate with me, though this is all suspicion). I know her parents well, and I’m pretty sure they don’t have anything against me (as they did send me a Christmas card this year, though probably in response to mine…HA!), so if I send it there, maybe she would be more likely to get it, IF she isn’t getting them at her house.
And finally, this was the idea from my co-worker, and this one brings one of those wicked little grins across my face when I think about it. I thought it was so funny when my co-worker suggested it, but she said I should send her the letter certified mail. HA! That would mean she would have to sign for it. But then I have the thought that she might not sign for it, but still, it might be worth it. HA!
Am I a stalker? Do you think I’m insane for pursuing this as I am? Do you think the daily letters or the daily calls might work? Do you think they might annoy her into communicating with me? HA!
I will probably do the calls and letters anyways, no matter what anyone says, just because I am that passionate about this, but I still love to hear what you think….HA!
It would be so much easier if she would just tell me she doesn't want to talk to me ever again. Just hearing the words would be a certainty...