I Hate Fighting With Myself

I hate it. I hate when I have all these thoughts going through my mind...

"Say this."

"Just let it all out and hold nothing back. You've got enough in ya right now to just start going and not stop for sometime. Say what you're really feeling in response."

"No, don't say it."

"Get control and just don't speak your mind."

"Just be still and the feeling to get it all out with subside. Be still."

The feelings are jumbled leaving a sense of uncertainty; the mind is trying to decipher it all; and the heart is hurting with each action of discomfort.

Sometimes I get these urges to just go...to just speak my mind...to go off...and it takes everything within me to control it. I just have to still myself for sometime.
That was me. Sitting teeth clinched, staring off into a point of nothingness, and as still as can be. Any chance at movement could be all it took to lose the control. Then just time--still, tedious, time.

But instead of a sense of success when I reach the state of the urge having subsided, I'm left with a heart hurting. The deep pain within your upper chest that leaves you short of breathe. It makes you want to stretch your chest cavity and release the pressure. It sucks and I hate it.