It Can Get The Best Of Me

Over what seems like the past year or so I have found that I have this new thought processing that seems to come over me when I'm hurting. The hurt can include many different kinds of hurting (i.e. anger, stressed, betrayal, lonely based on feelings of being different, depressed, etc.). It has seemed that whenever I find myself hurting in these ways, I can find myself thinking how I need to change something.

Sure, feelings are not going to change if I don't change anything from the way it is, that's a given. Yet, it seems I oftentimes find myself thinking I need to "get new friends."

I don't know why this is and what it means but it's always such a strong feeling. It's a sense of feeling like I need to cut myself off from the style of friend network I currently find myself interacting with at the time and try to get closer to other friends and/or look to make new friends.

It always kind of catches me off guard when I find myself thinking this, but at the same time I can't ignore it or convince myself that it's unnecessary. It can get the best of me.

I hate it, but at the same time I'll find myself feeling determined that I need to start taking steps to make some changes and restructure my friend network.

It scares me, and I'll find myself getting upset emotionally thinking about it, but something in me says it's what I've gotta do. Only a matter of months ago I remember the feeling was so strong that I convinced myself that I needed to find a job in an area of town that was the furthest from my closest friends. It was the only area left in town that I hadn't explored and sent resumes too during my career searching process. The exact reason why I refused to look in those areas was because it would put me too far away from the friends I felt the closest too and spent the most time with. Nonetheless, when the feeling had me convinced that I needed to make some changes, I spent hours printing up cover letters to all the potential employers in those areas.

Today I still have those cover letters. They never got sent out. There's times when I'm grateful that something convinced me not to go through with it; however, it's only till the next time that I find that feeling and desire for change hitting me that I feel it's unfortunate that I didn't take action the time before.

It's funny how we think sometimes...