A Rough Day at Sea...(explained)...

So if you caught my away messages yesterday, or even my blog from last night, you might be under the impression that yesterday was the “Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day” for me (as in the words of author Judith Viorst). Well, yes, it was a very “low” day for me. And matter of fact, I came to the conclusion yesterday that my lowest days over this past year (with exception of losing a mentor, for whom I GREATLY missed yesterday and wished I could have gone to for advice) are days when I think to myself, “Maybe I’m just not cut out for this” (in reference to days I’m at school and working toward my masters in social work). Sooo…under this definition, yesterday was exactly that-- one of my very “low” days.

So, while several times throughout my afternoon (basically only during my supervision period and my team meeting time) I found myself on the verge of tears (gosh, I just realized I’ve admitted that state of being one several occasions throughout my blogs, so I’m sure people are getting a new opinion of me. Oh great…)

So I was driving home and all I could think of (and even during the meeting I was thinking this) was how I really needed to just cry it all out and talk it out with someone. And so I was thinking, but who? And I don’t want any of my close friends to take this the wrong way, because as boy-girl relationship as this might sound, “it is me, not you.” It isn’t that I feel like I couldn’t talk to you and cry because of YOU, but because of ME. I don’t picture myself as that type of person and can’t bring myself to do it, even as close as I was to calling a couple of you. So I went home and continued in my “low” mood. So around about 8 PM I decided I really wanted to call and talk to someone, so the only person I could bring myself to call was the ONLY friend I think I’ve ever cried over the phone too. [Note: However I HAD been crying just previously to when I called Holly on the phone on the day I broke my glasses the day of GATA composite pictures….HA! And I bet a tear or two might have still fallen while I was on the phone with her, but I did my best to disguise that…HA!]

The person I called was unfortunately someone I was about 85% sure I’d end up getting a voicemail for, as I’ve called her about 4 or 5 times over the past few months and left messages and still no answers or returned calls. But whatever the case, I wanted to try again. So, as in the past I ended up with another voicemail, but part of me felt better knowing I’d tried.

So this puts me where I am today. I didn’t talk about my day to anyone, even those who had asked me over IM last night what the matter was. So I’m going to share my feelings and thoughts from yesterday with y’all through the way I expressed them over IM just moments ago with one of my friends.

The fun and exciting part is the fact that this friend and I are two fun, smart, and exciting folks that like to jazz stuff up to make it more fun! HA! Sooo…

The following is the conversation I had, which explains my “low day” in all metaphorical terms! HA! If you read through it and get completely lost, or just don’t understand what we are talking about, you should consult your local English professor (they are good with metaphors and symbolism…HA!) But I think if you know me very well, and know what I’m dealing with in my life right now, you’ll have no problem following this one! ;)

ENJOY!


Friend: So, how is the sail upon the Intern-ship going?
Me: okay i suppose…it has a few holes in it...but i'm working on patching them up....though it is really hot out in the sun patching up the sail, so the procedure will go slow
Friend: well... so long as you turn the sails in the appropriate directions, things should float smoothly towards the correct destination
Me: ONLY if the holes are patched though ;-)
Friend: yes, only if they can be patched first
Friend: but really, as you may have learned from hurricane Katrina, nothing [dealing w/ water] is smooth -- there are always waves
Me: yes...but a properly prepared ship can handle waves...it is a not-so-prepared ship, or one not built for the waves that struggles with the waves
Friend: Well, I always believed the cast of Gilligan's Island could have escaped on a small raft…but you are right -- it must be quality built
Friend: there are positives and negatives for sure -- i found that out real quick in my internship -- but I think I became a better worker by experiencing the negatives, ya know
Me: oh yes...i totally agree... and to be honest....going back to the ship example...the problems believe it or not are not with the water or the waves or anything external...they are the ship it's self or like i said...the sail
Friend: yes, I hear ya mate
Me: thanks Gilligan
Friend: the sail is the central control center; the ship has a mind of it's own
Me: yeppers...and when the control center is a little fuzzy...or the gages aren't aligned with the destination, things don't work as well
Friend: true, then one must just rely on fate and hope they don't end up on unknown shores like Jurassic Park Island
Me: ha ha...yes, this is true, but you have to worry about ending up on Jurassic Park Island in the end and ending up being eaten, or receiving a failing grade for your navigation
Friend: that is true
Me: let me be more specific...like i said, it wasn't about the water or the waves yesterday...it was more like the captain was receiving word from the men up in the lighthouse and they were telling him he was headed straight for the rocks
Me: though not that bad...HA!
Me: it was just how the captain started to interpret it…HA!
Friend: Sometimes though, the best way to learn is to just navigate and get yourself lost in the seas. If you get eaten by dinosaurs, you get eaten by dinosaurs. You've just got to try to evaluate your course and pray you make it.
Me: yeah but...i don't want to spend days and days at sea to end up being eaten by dinosaurs
Friend: I hear ya -- but it's kinda like driving half way to Abilene whilst gas prices are $2.85 and then deciding to turn back -- too much trouble.
Me: here is what made yesterday such a thunderstorm at sea....the captian spent the late hours at sea ready to cry (because he had salty air in his eyes of course!..HA!) because he felt maybe he should have stuck with being an airplane pilot instead of crossing over to water navigation especially when all his life he has never had any interest in the water
Friend: wow -- the captain has some very deep emotions.
Friend: (sorry... just picturing a tough old man in my head, on a boat, crying)
Me: yes...yes HE does (note the masculine pronoun there...so it OBVIOUSLY wasn't me) ;-)
Friend: But I hear ya -- back when I was sailing all summer... I had days like that too
Friend: and mama said there'd be days like that
Me: LOL
Friend: But... I spent a lot of my time thinking... why did I go into sailing when I could have stuck w/ Psychology. So, I just ended up going with the flow of the seas to some degree
Me: it kinda sucks because like yesterday the crew were asking the captain questions about where to fish and the captain was like, "I don't know, I'm just driving..."
Friend: Well you know -- the crew should realize that the captain is a temporary, first time captain -- the captain hasn't been sailing these kinds of seas like the others may have. These are new waters -- waters they haven't had where we came from. Waters we haven't seen in our short 23/24 years.
Me: right right
Friend: Sometimes it takes getting lost in the sea to learn the most...And lemme tell ya... getting lost is SCARY! But, so worth it in the end.
Me: oh i TOTALLY agree!
Me: yeah....and honestly, the captian knows that....but....
Friend: I figured, the captain is a smart person.
Me: what it really boils down too, and what he really wonders, is if he is really cut out for sailing, or even air-flight for that matter....he finds himself not even knowing what to tell the crew when he is in familiar territory, familiar territory as in sitting on a plane, and they have come to him for advice....he feels like he can empathize well, but offering advice....he has no idea…and maybe he just hasn't been prepared, but for goodness sakes, he will be taking his test for sailing licensing before he knows it and time is running out, for goodness sakes, he has already been thrown out to sea and is being questioned and even expected to have the answers and he is like, “I don't know”
Friend: Well, like we talked about in my field training class, the first sailing experience is often a time when sailing students find that they just aren't cut out for that particular type of sailing -- but there are so many more areas of sailing.
Me: yes, i totally agree...and honestly, I'm pretty sure the captain realizes he isn't all that interested in pursuing further journeys in this sea, but he is confused on if he will be any good in ANY sea, even the ones he always thought he was interested in sailing


So that is that, but I want to end with a quick point and story. The point I want to get out there is that I can honestly say I've enjoyed my client contact thus far! And as many of you have said, as well as I knew going into this, I will probably get more out of this than my clients ever will, and this if very true. Just yesterday I was having lunch with a client (and yes, I've eaten lunch with clients the past two days) and it was just myself and the client and we were talking and at one point she stopped and goes, "You aren't from down here are you?" And I said, "No, actually I'm not, but what suggested that to you?" And I think, while she was obviously correct in her assumption, she wasn't sure exactly how she knew, but she covered with a response that meant more to me than a "logical" answer such as, "your accent" would have. She paused for a moment, I think struggling to figure out why she had come to that assumption and said, "Well, you have an intelligence and confidence about yourself with how you talk and present yourself."

Exactly, how that would distinguish me as someone from not around here, I’m still yet to figure that out, but whatever the case, she put a smile on my face, and I was able to think back on that during the times when I felt tears welling up in the back of my eyes the rest of the afternoon.

Thoughts Surrounding Today...

Do you ever just think...

What the hell am I doing??!?!?!

**Update**
To those for which I'm a "role model" consider "hell" to read "heck"...and thank you for your time!

Here is a quote I came up with late this evening and am adding to this blog. I think it is a good thought that has some deeper meaning if you think about it and apply it to other life settings. It kind of puts my thoughts from today into a perspective that is geared toward a more positive outlook:
"Sometimes it takes stepping in the dog crap in order to get it cleaned up."

**Update**
As someone who looks up to me, be appreciative of the usage of "crap" in this quote.

Think About This One...

Okay, I know some of y'all come here in hopes of finding a good thought provoking entry. I do my best to please my readers, but this time I can't take credit for this thought-provoking piece. But it's funny because you most likely would have known it wasn't from me simply because it is short, sweet, and too the point! HA! But anyways, this question came off something from my class tonight and though I sat in class all night tonight thinking how much I don't enjoy this professor as a teacher, which I plan to go more into that later at another point, I honestly TRULY enjoyed the information we covered tonight. And I can say that and not appreciate the teacher simply because this material came out of a book and it was honestly the strick material I found soooo cool and not his presentation of it.

Let me say the material we learned tonight was the 10 Characteristics of a Mentally Health Individual. They are SOOOO cool to think about! I plan to share them with y'all in a later post, but tonight I just want to share this one point from the material. I think this is a brilliant question to think about. It is this....

Are people mentally healthy because of the support of their friendships or are those with high degrees of mental health better able to develop productive friendships?

I love it! Think about it and share with us what you think!

Monday's Picture Blog!

[Give this picture it's best caption! Either come up with a unique/fun caption for this picture or tell what you think is going on in the picture! Tomorrow I'll pick the best response! LEAVE A COMMENT (anyone can leave a comment, you don't have to have a blog)! I don't care if you're someone I don't know, someone I do know, or someone I'm not suppose to know that reads my blog all the time (secretly of course...HA!) Have fun!]

What Do YOU Think of These Movies?

Here is a list of my top ten movies listed in alphabetical order. Now I want your opinion on them. If you have seen the movie before rate it from 1-10 with 10 being AMAZING and 1 being TERRIBLE! If you haven't seen it before simply write "haven't seen it."

A. A Beautiful Mind
B. John Q
C. Life As a House
D. Million Dollar Baby
E. Patch Adams
F. Phenomenon
G. Remember the Titans
H. Searching for Bobby Fischer
I. The Green Mile
J. The Village

I've Been Tagged...

Since my buddy JWalk tagged me, I have to continue this game of tag, but first I have to list my top ten favorite songs at the moment (NOTE: this is not asking for my top ten songs of all time, but my loves currently).

So, in no particular order, my current favorite songs right now are:

1. Feels Like Today--Rascal Flatts
2. You'll Be There--George Strait
3. We Belong Together--Mariah Carey
4. Let Me Hold You--Bow Wow
5. Don't Mess With My Heart--Black Eyed Peas
6. It's Like That--Mariah Carey
7. Texas--George Strait
8. Skin--Rascal Flatts
9. One Thing--Finger Eleven
10. When the Sand Runs Out--Rascal Flatts

So now I have to tag others that MUST fulfill these "having been tagged" requirements. Hmm...my sources say I should tag: all 825 Alive members, Becca, BJ, Holly, Naye, Linds, and Nicole.

Now, can I just comment on my nice array of different genres of music I like...HA! ;)

See if you can follow me on this one…

Once again, I want to try to let you inside on my religiosity of the past. I’m not positive, but I think I’ve only shared this with one of my close buddies in the past; and it just so happens that our close friendship that we share today was basically all founded on religious talks. Anyways, I say that in reference to this: I’m not positive, but I think when I tried to explain what I’m about to talk about here to her, she struggled with understanding my reasoning behind why I did what I did. So this is a forewarning that you might have to try to think outside-the-box on this one to follow it and to understand why I saw it as I did producing my behaviors.

If you ever had the opportunity to attend church with me or even sit near me during a chapel service at ACU, you might have noticed I do sing the songs, I do bow my head and many times even close my eyes during the prayers. Now, if you’ve kept up with my blogs in the past referring to my agnostic views during my years at ACU, you might question these mentioned behaviors. Why would someone that doesn’t follow the Christian beliefs sing the songs or bow their head or close their eyes during a prayer?

One possible answer that I want disregard is the idea of the behaviors being used as a cover-up (cover-up meaning to hide my true beliefs that were not Christian). Many of my close friends from ACU knew my stance on religion. Well, I say that with this stipulation--it was my close friends that would ASK ME about my religious thoughts that knew them.

At ACU I took a stance of “don’t ask, don’t tell.” In a strong Christian community atmosphere such as ACU it is easy to be viewed in a “different” way if you aren’t among the “majority.” The majority being the firm Church of Christ believing community. Granted, ACU has many Baptist students as well, and other religions, but being of any religion other than Christian marks you with a red flag--you are different.

This is very easily noticed, thus I chose not to draw attention to my religious beliefs. However, I think it is very important that I make it clear that I would never lie about my beliefs. If I was asked, I would be honest about my beliefs, but it did work to my advantage that many people, especially at ACU, just assume you are Christian or Church of Christ or even baptized. So am I to blame for letting them assume that about me? I suppose that is left up to personal opinion.

So, back to the original question posed: Why would I sing, bow my head and close my eyes? Well, the singing was simply due to the fact that I love to sing and I love music, and collective singing, such as in a group at church or chapel is a special kind of singing all in it’s self, so I love to get to take part in that opportunity and the beauty behind it.

When it comes to bowing my head and even closing my eyes this is where you’ll have to try to follow me on this one. The view I take on this matter is this: I want to respect those for which I respect. I know that sounds confusing, or even sounds like it doesn't make sense, but I think it does. I have much respect for religious people, especially when it comes to my friends, so I bow my head and even will close my eyes out of respect for my friends. I respect that that represents an important time to them, the time of prayer, and I want to be of no distraction during such a time.

We all know how easy it can be to become distracted when we are amongst a large gathering of people, whether that be thousands sitting in chapel, hundreds sitting in church, or even less than a hundred when praying during a social club gathering. Whatever the case, we are all human and it is easy to become distracted from anything in life. So, I do my best to respect those for which I respect.

This can also be seen when I’m writing to my friends on instant messenger or in an email or even on this blog. When writing you might have noticed I will capitalize words such as the Bible, God, or Him or He when in reference to God. This is done out of respect for those for whom I’m addressing that hold these terms in respect. I’ve even been chatting with a good friend of mine once who is Catholic and I capitalized Mass because I knew it was a term that was capitalized among the Catholics and I wanted to respect that (and she even noted that I had capitalized it…HA!)

Alright…if you’ve been able to follow me up to this point then congrats, but I will tell you, I’m going to throw one more idea before you and this is the one that is sometimes tricky to understand my reasoning behind my behaviors.

So, if you can understand that I would behave in certain ways out of respect of others, then go with that idea on this one too…

Prayer. Though this might come as a shock, or even discourage some of you, in all honesty, I can’t remember the last time I prayed. I would say it was probably back during my junior or possibly my senior year at ACU, but I’m not even positive it was that recent.

At this point you might be thinking… “Okay, so she didn’t believe in God, but she was praying back then. Hmmm…” Correct. Let me explain. When I say that that was the last time I prayed, I didn’t tell you anything about how the prayer went.

During my years at ACU I began praying differently. Growing up I prayed because I was told to usually. For instance, as a kid I can remember every night I had the routine. The parent would come to tuck us kids into bed and we would have to say our prayers and give them hugs and kisses—that was the nightly routine. Well, when you do this as a kid for years upon years, the prayers would become scripted…HA! No joke! I was just thinking about this a few minutes ago and I can remember I could rattle off this identical prayer night after night in record time I had it down so well…HA! I remember one time I got in trouble because I would rattle it off so fast…like saying a memory verse like the Micro-machines man (don’t act like you don’t know who I’m talking about…HA!), and my dad told me to slow down and put some thought into what I was saying. HA HA! Opps! ;)

So in college when I began rethinking religion and questioning what I truly believed I questioned the idea of a God. So, with that in mind, why would I pray to God, if I wasn’t sure if He existed? Considering this, pray was nothing routine to me anymore, however, it wasn’t none existent either.

During my college years my prayer life revolved around requests of my friends, whether I was asked personally or subliminally. Subliminally meaning they would bring a concern to me that they were experiencing and they would mention how they were really struggling with it and that they really hoped God would help them through it. Basically, I considered that as them being a truly religious individual who believed in the power of prayer and would appreciate the prayers they could get.

So, here is where my actions might be difficult to understand my reasoning, but I’ll try to explain them.

I would pray on behalf of my requesting friends, not necessarily because I thought there was a God up there listening and that I believed in the power of prayer, but because I respected that they believed that and that they had asked me to pray for them. I looked at it in this fashion: If there truly was a God up there listening, and I prayed to Him on my friend’s behalf, then maybe He would still “accept” (for lack of a better term) the prayer because it was being asked for one of His believers, even though it was coming from someone that didn't necessarily believe in Him. As funny as it might sound, I would start my prayers with something like, “God, if you really are up there, you know my stance on believing right now, but I come to you right now not for myself, but for ___(insert the name of my friend)___ who really needs your help right now with ________.”

I wouldn’t pray for myself, for anything I needed, because I personally didn’t know if I believed in God or not, so why would I pray to something or someone that I didn’t truly believe in. Make sense?

So that was my “prayer life” during college, if you can even call it that. But I’ll be honest. As I mentioned earlier of not being able to remember the last time I prayed, I haven’t kept up this praying on behalf of requests recently. I don’t know why I stopped honestly. I want to say I was telling someone about my stance on this topic and about my actions of praying for others, but not for myself personally and they described it as hypocritical or something, so maybe that was why I decided to stop. I honestly don’t know, but whatever the case, I still respect the requests I get from friends to raise them or others up in prayer. I mean I want to be a therapist for goodness sakes. I would hope people would be comfortable bringing their troubling situations to me and respecting me enough to ask for prayers or such for their situation. But as a person who might not pray for the person, I always keep a hurting or struggling friend among my thoughts, and on many occasions will use the power of words to encourage that individual personally. I might not be a firm believer in the power of prayer, but I believe in the power of words, so I use them as one might choose to use the power of prayer for their healing device.

So does any of this make sense? Can you follow my reasoning behind some of my actions when associated with religious situations? If anything, maybe this will at least give you a deeper understanding into my respect for those in which I respect.