So if you caught my away messages yesterday, or even my blog from last night, you might be under the impression that yesterday was the “Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day” for me (as in the words of author Judith Viorst). Well, yes, it was a very “low” day for me. And matter of fact, I came to the conclusion yesterday that my lowest days over this past year (with exception of losing a mentor, for whom I GREATLY missed yesterday and wished I could have gone to for advice) are days when I think to myself, “Maybe I’m just not cut out for this” (in reference to days I’m at school and working toward my masters in social work). Sooo…under this definition, yesterday was exactly that-- one of my very “low” days.
So, while several times throughout my afternoon (basically only during my supervision period and my team meeting time) I found myself on the verge of tears (gosh, I just realized I’ve admitted that state of being one several occasions throughout my blogs, so I’m sure people are getting a new opinion of me. Oh great…)
So I was driving home and all I could think of (and even during the meeting I was thinking this) was how I really needed to just cry it all out and talk it out with someone. And so I was thinking, but who? And I don’t want any of my close friends to take this the wrong way, because as boy-girl relationship as this might sound, “it is me, not you.” It isn’t that I feel like I couldn’t talk to you and cry because of YOU, but because of ME. I don’t picture myself as that type of person and can’t bring myself to do it, even as close as I was to calling a couple of you. So I went home and continued in my “low” mood. So around about 8 PM I decided I really wanted to call and talk to someone, so the only person I could bring myself to call was the ONLY friend I think I’ve ever cried over the phone too. [Note: However I HAD been crying just previously to when I called Holly on the phone on the day I broke my glasses the day of GATA composite pictures….HA! And I bet a tear or two might have still fallen while I was on the phone with her, but I did my best to disguise that…HA!]
The person I called was unfortunately someone I was about 85% sure I’d end up getting a voicemail for, as I’ve called her about 4 or 5 times over the past few months and left messages and still no answers or returned calls. But whatever the case, I wanted to try again. So, as in the past I ended up with another voicemail, but part of me felt better knowing I’d tried.
So this puts me where I am today. I didn’t talk about my day to anyone, even those who had asked me over IM last night what the matter was. So I’m going to share my feelings and thoughts from yesterday with y’all through the way I expressed them over IM just moments ago with one of my friends.
The fun and exciting part is the fact that this friend and I are two fun, smart, and exciting folks that like to jazz stuff up to make it more fun! HA! Sooo…
The following is the conversation I had, which explains my “low day” in all metaphorical terms! HA! If you read through it and get completely lost, or just don’t understand what we are talking about, you should consult your local English professor (they are good with metaphors and symbolism…HA!) But I think if you know me very well, and know what I’m dealing with in my life right now, you’ll have no problem following this one! ;)
Friend: So, how is the sail upon the Intern-ship going?
Me: okay i suppose…it has a few holes in it...but i'm working on patching them up....though it is really hot out in the sun patching up the sail, so the procedure will go slow
Friend: well... so long as you turn the sails in the appropriate directions, things should float smoothly towards the correct destination
Me: ONLY if the holes are patched though ;-)
Friend: yes, only if they can be patched first
Friend: but really, as you may have learned from hurricane Katrina, nothing [dealing w/ water] is smooth -- there are always waves
Me: yes...but a properly prepared ship can handle waves...it is a not-so-prepared ship, or one not built for the waves that struggles with the waves
Friend: Well, I always believed the cast of Gilligan's Island could have escaped on a small raft…but you are right -- it must be quality built
Friend: there are positives and negatives for sure -- i found that out real quick in my internship -- but I think I became a better worker by experiencing the negatives, ya know
Me: oh yes...i totally agree... and to be honest....going back to the ship example...the problems believe it or not are not with the water or the waves or anything external...they are the ship it's self or like i said...the sail
Friend: yes, I hear ya mate
Me: thanks Gilligan
Friend: the sail is the central control center; the ship has a mind of it's own
Me: yeppers...and when the control center is a little fuzzy...or the gages aren't aligned with the destination, things don't work as well
Friend: true, then one must just rely on fate and hope they don't end up on unknown shores like Jurassic Park Island
Me: ha ha...yes, this is true, but you have to worry about ending up on Jurassic Park Island in the end and ending up being eaten, or receiving a failing grade for your navigation
Friend: that is true
Me: let me be more specific...like i said, it wasn't about the water or the waves yesterday...it was more like the captain was receiving word from the men up in the lighthouse and they were telling him he was headed straight for the rocks
Me: though not that bad...HA!
Me: it was just how the captain started to interpret it…HA!
Friend: Sometimes though, the best way to learn is to just navigate and get yourself lost in the seas. If you get eaten by dinosaurs, you get eaten by dinosaurs. You've just got to try to evaluate your course and pray you make it.
Me: yeah but...i don't want to spend days and days at sea to end up being eaten by dinosaurs
Friend: I hear ya -- but it's kinda like driving half way to Abilene whilst gas prices are $2.85 and then deciding to turn back -- too much trouble.
Me: here is what made yesterday such a thunderstorm at sea....the captian spent the late hours at sea ready to cry (because he had salty air in his eyes of course!..HA!) because he felt maybe he should have stuck with being an airplane pilot instead of crossing over to water navigation especially when all his life he has never had any interest in the water
Friend: wow -- the captain has some very deep emotions.
Friend: (sorry... just picturing a tough old man in my head, on a boat, crying)
Me: yes...yes HE does (note the masculine pronoun there...so it OBVIOUSLY wasn't me) ;-)
Friend: But I hear ya -- back when I was sailing all summer... I had days like that too
Friend: and mama said there'd be days like that
Friend: But... I spent a lot of my time thinking... why did I go into sailing when I could have stuck w/ Psychology. So, I just ended up going with the flow of the seas to some degree
Me: it kinda sucks because like yesterday the crew were asking the captain questions about where to fish and the captain was like, "I don't know, I'm just driving..."
Friend: Well you know -- the crew should realize that the captain is a temporary, first time captain -- the captain hasn't been sailing these kinds of seas like the others may have. These are new waters -- waters they haven't had where we came from. Waters we haven't seen in our short 23/24 years.
Me: right right
Friend: Sometimes it takes getting lost in the sea to learn the most...And lemme tell ya... getting lost is SCARY! But, so worth it in the end.
Me: oh i TOTALLY agree!
Me: yeah....and honestly, the captian knows that....but....
Friend: I figured, the captain is a smart person.
Me: what it really boils down too, and what he really wonders, is if he is really cut out for sailing, or even air-flight for that matter....he finds himself not even knowing what to tell the crew when he is in familiar territory, familiar territory as in sitting on a plane, and they have come to him for advice....he feels like he can empathize well, but offering advice....he has no idea…and maybe he just hasn't been prepared, but for goodness sakes, he will be taking his test for sailing licensing before he knows it and time is running out, for goodness sakes, he has already been thrown out to sea and is being questioned and even expected to have the answers and he is like, “I don't know”
Friend: Well, like we talked about in my field training class, the first sailing experience is often a time when sailing students find that they just aren't cut out for that particular type of sailing -- but there are so many more areas of sailing.
Me: yes, i totally agree...and honestly, I'm pretty sure the captain realizes he isn't all that interested in pursuing further journeys in this sea, but he is confused on if he will be any good in ANY sea, even the ones he always thought he was interested in sailing
So that is that, but I want to end with a quick point and story. The point I want to get out there is that I can honestly say I've enjoyed my client contact thus far! And as many of you have said, as well as I knew going into this, I will probably get more out of this than my clients ever will, and this if very true. Just yesterday I was having lunch with a client (and yes, I've eaten lunch with clients the past two days) and it was just myself and the client and we were talking and at one point she stopped and goes, "You aren't from down here are you?" And I said, "No, actually I'm not, but what suggested that to you?" And I think, while she was obviously correct in her assumption, she wasn't sure exactly how she knew, but she covered with a response that meant more to me than a "logical" answer such as, "your accent" would have. She paused for a moment, I think struggling to figure out why she had come to that assumption and said, "Well, you have an intelligence and confidence about yourself with how you talk and present yourself."
Exactly, how that would distinguish me as someone from not around here, I’m still yet to figure that out, but whatever the case, she put a smile on my face, and I was able to think back on that during the times when I felt tears welling up in the back of my eyes the rest of the afternoon.