Tuesday, August 02, 2005

I Just Don’t Understand…

A few blog entries back I wrote a long entry about my other friend “Laura.” It was really just a blog for my own self purposes, as this one will basically be too…

This past weekend I had the opportunity to go to St. Louis to watch the union of a fellow GATA sister of mine and a guy whom I’d grown up with since probably 4th grade. His family and ours have become very close over the past years since both our families attended the same church congregation. However, probably my sophomore or junior year in high school this guy started to attend a different church congregation in town, though his parents continued to attend my home congregation. Because of this, since he hadn’t been going to my home church in several years, I wasn’t expecting as many families from my home congregation to be at the wedding as there was there.

One family in particular that totally caught me off guard by their presence at the wedding was the family of one of my best friends from growing up at the church. I found it interesting that they were there partly because I didn’t think her family was close to the groom’s family as well as the fact that her parents also had stopped attending my home congregation around my junior year in high school and started to attend another congregation as well. Whatever the case, they were there.

The wedding was good! It was pretty, the bride looked beautiful, the groom looked sharp, both the groom and the bride got choked up during the ceremony, my eyes watered on several occasions, etc. It was a blessed event!

Still though, there was more going on for me that afternoon than just a wedding. It was my first time to see my best friend from growing up since May 2004; it had been over a year.

After having been seated, my eyes began to pan over the groom’s side of the auditorium. I was interested in seeing all the folks from my home church that were present. It was then that I saw my friend and knew I wanted to go say “hi.” I immediately got up and went across the auditorium to greet her. I said “hi” to her, her fiancé, her parents, as well as a couple of guys who were sitting with them who were friends of mine also from the youth group days. With the wedding nearing start time I went back to my seat leaving them with, “I’ll catch y’all after the ceremony.”

As the recessional progressed, it happened that I was one of the first out of the auditorium and down to the fellowship area. I waited, curiously watching for my friend to come down. As I noticed down the hallway her and her friends were just hanging out in the hallway instead of joining the reception, I went to go visit with them. As I tried to carry on conversation with the group, it was obvious that the words from my friend were the most limited out of everyone else in the group, including her fiancé. Him and I actually probably talked more than she and I did. However, I would be lying if I said I didn’t try to talk with her. I did, I swear. I would ask her stuff, you know, like “Hey, so are you ready for next weekend?” (her wedding is this coming weekend), or “So is your ceremony going to be like this one?” Too which her answers were always one or two words. Not in a one or two word response from someone that is upset or anger with someone and doesn’t want to talk, but more of a one or two word response from someone that is nervous, or scared, or unsure how much to say to a person type talk. I tried, I would try to get her to talk to me more, but she appeared to be more uncomfortable with our talking than anything, so I eventually just said something, like, “well I’m gonna get back into the reception area…I’ll talk with y’all later.”

I went back in and sat down and found myself just completely frustrated with the situation. I can’t get my friend, one who I’ve been closer to at one point in our lives than anyone I’ve ever been friends with, to even talk to me. And if she does say anything to me, it is completely in response to my instigating the conversation, even still her part is always rather limited.

So I sat, frustrated and trying to look happy (since I was at a wedding and all) and thinking what can I do about this? She has her wedding next weekend which I’m going to attend, but I feel as if I’m nearly as close to her as any stranger off the street would be at the current time.

I begin questioning in my head: “Should I even come up to St. Louis for her wedding;” “More importantly, does she want me at her wedding;” “Does it matter either way to her if I’m there or not;” “Will she even speak to me if I am there;” etc. I can answer these questions this much…I will be at the wedding, and she did call me back in June to get my mailing address to send me an invitation (and that was the first time SHE has called ME in I honestly can’t remember how long), so a part of me wants to believe she would like for me to be there, but I’m still not convinced of it.

Whatever the case, I knew I wasn’t going to let my evening end with my last effort to get to talk to her coming from that limited talk in the hallway, so I got up and went to sit with her, her parents, her fiancé, and one of the guys from our youth group growing up….

I began by talking with her father, who I’ve always loved to talk with. After shooting the breeze with him for a few minutes I began getting into conversation with the guy from our youth group and my friend’s fiancé. Still, even though she was sitting in between the two of them with whom I was carrying on conversation with, she refused to speak up. I would make comments to her, but she still would just give occasional one-word answers. But the thing that I noticed the most, that has bothered me the most, though this has been something she has done the past few times I’ve actually got to see her over the past few years, she won’t make eye contact with me. I paid special attention to it this time, because I wanted to make sure I was positive about it, but it was for sure.

Whenever I would look at her and talk, she would always look other places and then just shoot me a quick answer to whatever I had said to her, but like for instance whenever I was talking with the two guys on either side of her, and I wouldn’t be looking at her directly, she would look at me. I watched her through my peripheral vision and would notice how she would look at me and listen while I would talk to them, but whenever I would look in her direction she would look away and never make eye contact with me.

I’ll be completely honest, this really hurts me to think about it. While this most recent occurrence was only a couple days ago, I can tell you this tension within our friendship has been present for a couple years now. And it has been present over the past times we have gotten to see one another as well. I have tried before, I can’t remember exactly when it was and whether it was during an in person talk or over a telephone talk, but I know it was one of the two and not in an email or such, but I asked her directly, “What’s going on with us? You won’t even look at me anymore.” And to my questioning all I got was a “I don’t know. I don’t know why.” I just don’t understand what has happened between us.

Tonight I found myself going through a folder I have on my computer of AIM conversations I’ve had in the past with her as well as email correspondences we’ve shared, and I can saying having reread some of them, it makes it harder to understand exactly what has happened.

I tried tonight to reach her by phone, as I really just want to talk to her, but I got a voicemail, to which I told her I was really glad I got to see her this past weekend and can understand that she is probably really busy this week with her wedding being in only a few days, but I said if she found some time I’d love to get to talk to her.

So we’ll just see. In all honesty I’m not expecting a phone call, nor do I think I’ll have much of an interaction with her this coming weekend when I attend her wedding, but whatever the case, I don’t doubt I’ll find my eyes watering for the second weekend in a row as I watch a friend who I’ve been closer to than any unite with her new best friend.

I want to end this with one of the pieces I came across when reading through old emails and stuff Laura and I had shared during the past. I found this one extremely interesting and it made me tear up as well. And yes, I’ve taken out her fiance’s name and replaced it with “fiancé”….however, at the time of her writing this they obviously weren’t engaged. Oh, and yes, she always called me “Kimmy Wimmy,” but don’t go getting any ideas! ;)

Kimmy Wimmy,
I think that it is time that I wrote a response to the letter you gave me before you left. I figured I could e-mail it, but I thought a hand written letter would mean more. I want to start by saying that I accept your apology for all the things you were sorry for in the letter. But you are not the only person who should feel sorry. I said and did things that I didn't mean and that hurt you. Probably the thing that I regret the most was telling you that you can't make your own decisions. That was way out of line and was extremely wrong of me to say. I didn't/don't know all the details of the situation and I had no right to say what I did. I think our fights/arguments while you were here, was a result of a lot of things I have/had been feeling. On the phone one night you asked me if I was bitter about you going away to college, and I said no, which was a lie. I tried to act happy for you, but deep down, I took it personally that you left. I think that my true feelings finally came out while you were here. Right after you left in August some people questioned how I would act since "my Kimmy Wimmy" was gone. I resented them for this and it took everything inside of me to act strong. I think when you came back for Christmas break I finally cracked and my hurt and anger exposed itself. But over the past couple of weeks I have sincerely grown happy for you, because I know you enjoy it there. I no longer view you going away as anything against me, which I don't know why I felt that anyway.

Now to something that I am deeply ashamed of. Before I get to that, I need to tell you the story first. The Friday night we went ice skating, Fiance came in my work to see me beforehand. He asked me to go out with him, and I was hesitant to give him an answer. He said that we wouldn't start going out for a couple of weeks for "personal reasons," that I don't care to go into. I finally agreed. Contrary to what everyone thinks/thought I wasn't hoping every moment of my life that he would ask me out. I was hesitant, but I thought I owed it to myself to give it another shot. So Sunday rolls around and Emily, Fiance, and I go to the Science Center. Well, after Sunday night church, I have to take Fiance back to my house so he can get his car that he left there. On the way back to my house, he says to me, "Laura, I don't want to go out with you anymore." And you know me, by this time I have already gotten used to the idea and was kind of excited about it. So I am just completely devastated. Not another word is said the rest of the way home and I am trying to keep myself from falling apart. When he got out of my car and left I sat in my car for probably 15 minutes and cried. I didn't cry about what Fiance had said or done to me, because in all actuality I wasn't too surprised. It was a classic Fiance thing to do. But what I did cry about was what I thought I had lost: my best friend in the whole wide world. I risked my friendship with you for someone who has never in his life given a damn about me. I was willing to risk everything for an asshole who doesn't/can't comprehend sacrificing anything for anybody. Everybody in his life is "a pawn in his game of life." I could never say I am sorry enough for putting Fiance in front of our friendship. When I think about it, it makes me sick. I am sorry, Kimmy Wimmy.

As for Fiance and I, there will never be a relationship. I know I have said some things to this effect before, but this time I mean it. I have finally gained enough self respect to admit to myself that it is over. I know it will not be easy getting over Fiance, but with time I know I can move on. Fiance turned me into a person I didn't want to become. I have asked Emily for her help in keeping me from doing anything with Fiance. But I know that only I can end this relationship, which has needed to be over for a long time.

As for you, Kimmy Wimmy, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for just being yourself. You have been the best friend that I could ever ask for. You have been there for me when I have needed you and most importantly you have been patient with me. You are the most important person in the world to me because I believe you are the only one who has truly believed in me. You have listened to me. And for that, I love you and miss you greatly.

Love always,


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